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JONAH
V 4.1 Š05/08/02 Big Idea Productions, Inc.
Black
Night SFX. We hear the faint sound of a GUITAR
frantically strumming a "Rafi" type folk song and the engine of a
minivan.
FADE IN:
EXTERIOR -
NIGHT. SIDE OF wooded, WINDING RURAL
ROAD.
The road and
surrounding woods are very dark - silhouetted against a cloudy full moon
sky. The guitar and engine noise grow
louder as we see head lights appear. A
porcupine scurries across the road. A
minivan full of veggie kids passes by the camera, revealing the darkened woods
once again.
Interior -
night. veggie van.
JR. ASPARAGUS,
PERCY, ANNIE and LAURA are sitting and singing in the second and third rows of
the van. LAURA is holding a ticket. DAD ASPARAGUS is sitting in the front
passenger seat and facing toward the kids - singing and "playing" the
guitar. They are on their way to a "Twippo" concert and are all very
excited except for BOB THE TOMATO - he's perturbed and not singing, driving and
fumbling with a map.
KIDS and DAD
Now Billy Joe
McGuffrey
Was a really
clumsy kid
On the 1st day
of 1st grade
I'll tell you
what he did
He tripped over
a pencil box
Flew up in the
air
Landed on a
kangaroo
Who pulled out
all his hair
He needed
1st aid (clap)
in the 1st grade (clap)
1st aid (clap)
in the 1st grade (clap)
1st aid (clap)
in the 1st grade (clap)
You could a buy
a zoo
With all the
doctor bills he paid!
Oh Billy Joe
McGuffrey
Was a really
clumsy kid
On the 2nd day
of 2nd grade
I'll tell you
what he did
He slipped on a
banana peel
Flew up in the
sky
Landed on a
chimpanzee
Who poked him in
the eye
He needed
1st aid (clap)
in the 2nd grade (2claps)
1st aid (clap)
in the 2nd grade (2claps)
1st aid (clap)
in the 2nd grade (2claps)
You could a buy
a zoo
With all the
doctor bills he paid!
BOB
(under breath)
... Route 59?
BOB, while fumbling
with the map, inadvertently hits the headlight switch - turning them off. NEAR
BLACK. BOB startles.
Bob (cont'd)
AAAAH! LIGHTS!
AAAAH!
DAD accidently
smacks BOB in the back of the head with the neck of the guitar. As the kids are singing in near black, we
hear Bob frantically trying to find the light switch - map rustling, tires
squealing, engine revving, etc....
BOB (cont'd)
(ad lib)
Whoa... lights!
Lights! Lights!
EXTERIOR - NIGHT.
WINDING RURAL ROAD.
HEADLIGHTS back
on. Camera street level as the van
passes over it. We cut to a rear view
to see the van driving on. A beam of
moon light reveals a "porcupine crossing" hazard sign.
INTERIOR -
NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.
BOB gives DAD a
stern glance. DAD remains happily
"strumming" the guitar.
KIDS AND DAD
Now Billy Joe
McGuffrey
Was a really
clumsy kid
On the 3rd day
of 3rd grade
I'll tell you
what he did
He fell out of a
fishing boat
Splashed into
the sea
Landed on a
moray eel
Who bit him on
the knee
He needed
1st aid (clap)
in the 3rd grade (3claps)
1st aid (clap)
in the 3rd grade (3claps)
1st aid (clap)
in the 3rd grade (3claps)
You could a buy
a zoo
With all the
doctor bills he paid!
LAURA looks down at
her ticket, smiling. It reads, "In
Concert - Twippo! Backstage Pass"
LAURA
(reverently - with awe)
...I get to meet
Twippo...
Laura picks the
song right up again...
Song has been
increasing in tempo and is now at a fevered pitch.
DAD
Twelfth grade!
KIDS AND DAD
Now Billy Joe
McGuffrey
Was a really
clumsy kid
On the 12th day
of 12th grade
I'll tell you
what he did
Walked into
financial aid
Fell and broke a
bone
Showed them all
his bills and
Got a great big
College Loan!
And he got
1st aid(clap)in
the 12th grade (12claps)
1st aid(clap)in
the 12th grade (12claps)
1st aid(clap)in
the 12th grade (12claps)
You could a buy
a zoo or two with all the doctor bills he paid!
You could a buy
a zoo or two with all the doctor bills he paid!
Big Ending. KIDS CHEER and DAD STRUMS wildly at end of
song.
KIDS
Hurray!!
KIDS comment:
PERCY
Let's do another
Twippo song!
ANNIE
I love Twippo!
JR
Me too!
LAURA
(holding her 'special' ticket aloft)
But I'm the
only one who gets to meet him, because I won the Twippo Sweepstakes!
LAURA'S ticket is
proudly displayed in Junior's face as she delivers her line.
JR
Ya don't have to
rub it in!
DAD
It's great that you
won the contest, Laura, but let's try not to brag about it.
(to Bob)
Nice one with the
lights, Bob!
BOB, covered in
map, receives DAD's sincere compliment sarcastically (with a forced smile and
laugh). He then snaps angrily:
BOB
My pleasure. For the next song, maybe I can drive into
the river!
DAD startles at
BOB's aggression.
KIDS
(cheer, then singing)
Yeah!
Drive into the
river Bob!
Oh! Drive into
the river Bob!...
BOB (cont'd over kid's)
Or maybe... You
could help me with the MAP!
EXTERIOR - NIGHT.
WINDING RURAL ROAD.
DAD
Oh... I'm Sorry.
We see DAD leaning
over attempting to help BOB. Map
rustles around, impairing BOB'S vision once again. Van swerves and squeals.
INTERIOR -
NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.
laura
(to Junior - teasing and waving ticket in his face.)
Is there anything
you want me to tell Twippo, when I meet him?
Tires squeal as van
swerves. Laura loses her balance and
falls against the side of the van. The
ticket flies out a side window.
DAD
Laura!
LaURA
(GASP!!!)
EXTERIOR - NIGHT.
WINDING RURAL ROAD.
We watch the ticket
fly out the window and past the camera.
intERIOR. vAN -
nIGHT
LAURA
(screams)
My ticket!!!!!
Bob startles,
accidently turning the wheel and losing his grip on the map.
bob
Wha-?
Dad startles,
whacking Bob again with his guitar, which only makes the situation worse.
dad
Huh? Wha... Quick!
Get it!
exT. winding road
-nIGHT
The vans tires
squeal, as Bob tries to regain control.
bob
The map!!
Guitar boing off
Bob's head.
Dad
Sorry!
BOB
AAAH!
laura
(irate)
My ticket!!!!!
Guitar gets stuck
in the steering wheel.
Bob
Do you mind?
DaD
I'm stuck. (Grunt)
Dad struggles to
free the guitar. He is excited when he finally pulls it free, but both Dad and
Bob are horrified as they realize that the steering wheel is pulled off, still
stuck to the guitar.
ALL
Aaaahhhh!
Bob
Get it on! Fix it!
Put it back!
Much chaos.
Van out of
control. We hear more yelling, guitar
boinging, etc.... In the foreground, a
family of porcupines - a momma and 2 kids, are crossing the road. The van is headed right at them! We cut to the momma porcupine's
reaction. She's shocked and terrified! She looks to her babies. Cute, innocent and unaware of the danger,
they look back at her with kinked heads and blink. Momma porcupine looks tenderly at her babies, then turns angrily
toward the approaching van.
Dramatically, she "winds-up".
INTERIOR -
NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.
We cut back to Bob
as the map falls below his eyes. He reacts in terror to what he then sees:
Momma porcupine has her quilled back toward the van with her head turned -
looking right at him. The babies stand innocently and blink.
BOB
PORCUPINE!
EXTERIOR - NIGHT.
WINDING RURAL ROAD.
Momma porcupine
then "pitches" a swarm of quills at the front tires. We follow the
flight of the quills on the "quill cam" as they punch into the
tires. We hear a couple of explosions
from the tires popping.
INTERIOR -
NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.
all
AAAHH!
EXTERIOR - NIGHT.
WINDING RURAL ROAD.
The van performs
some donuts as it continues forward.
Much screams. Bob spins the
wheel wildly, trying to regain control of the van. The porcupines watch in interest as the "screaming" van
spins off the side of the road and heads down a steep wooded hill that leads to
a river! Bob steers wildly as the van
heads through some brush... the kids in the back scream in terror.
In rapid succession,
Bob must avoid a series of obstacles, which Dad calls out like a
highly-caffeinated sports announcer.
daD
Tree!!!!
Bob swerves wildly
to miss a huge tree. Cut to kids in the
back, bouncing up and down and screaming as if they were riding bikes down a
flight of stairs.
dad (cont'd)
Cabin!!!!
Bob swerves wildly
to miss a small FISHERMAN'S CABIN. He
avoids the obstacle, but heads right toward the fisherman's CLOTHESLINE, a
sturdy, multi-line job strung with several items of clothing, most prominently,
a large pair of polka-dotted boxer
shorts.
DAD (cont'd)
UNDERWEAR!!!!!!
Bob can't turn in
time, and the van heads right through the clothesline, with the boxer shorts
plastered across the windshield. The
kids startle and scream as if an alien had just landed on the windshield. Amazingly, the 5 nylon cords of the
clothesline hold tight, and slow the van to a stop like a small plane caught by
cartoon power lines. With visible and
audible tension, the stretched cords hold the van still at a 45 degree angle on
the side of the hill, no more than 20 feet from the river.
Kids
Aaaaaahhh!
intERIOR van -nIGHT
All is still. Kids are silent, in shock. After a moment, Bob turns to look back and
says...
boB
Heh, heh... Well
I'm glad that's over!
There is a loud
"poing!" SFX. Bob snaps to
Dad, who still hasn't moved.
bob (cont'd)
Did you say
something?
Another
"poing," and now we see what it is.
The nylon cords of the clothesline are snapping, one by one.
BOB (cont'd)
(eyes widening)
Oh...
dad
(eyes widening)
... dear...
Poing! Poing!
Poing! The last 3 cords snap in
rapid succession, and the van lurches toward the river. The kids' eyes widen and they all press back
against their seats in unison, and everyone screams like mad!
all
Aaaaaaaaah!!!!!!
eXT. hill -nIGHT
As the van rolls
perilously toward the river, a low-angle shot reveals a thick tree stump in its
path, about bumper-height, unnoticed by the van's occupants. As they scream and roll ahead, suddenly the
bumper meets the tree stump, and the van stops cold, no more than 6 feet from
the river
intERIOR. vAN -
nIGHT
The tree stump
stops the van cold, but also fires both front seat airbags, which inflate and
completely engulf Bob and Dad's faces.
The screaming dies out. Silence. The kids are afraid to blink. The airbags remain completely inflated,
engulfing Bob and Dad who stare into them motionless... wondering if they are
dead. After a pause, and not quite sure
what has happened, Bob speaks.
bob
(sfx - talking in balloon)
Am I in... heaven?
Beat. There is dust in the air from the airbags.
dad
(sniffs)
Smells like...
Wisconsin.
The kids finally
let their breath out, and fall back into their seats.
KiDS
(exhale / sigh)
Phew!!!
EXT. RIVERSIDE
-NIGHT
LS of the van at
the bank of the river. After a pause,
the sliding passenger side door opens and we see the veggie kids and dad
peeking out into the moonlit night.
Dust is settling. Bob pops
through the crowd, looks around and exits the van. He looks around a little more.
BOB
Well. Nobody got hurt!
We hear the flying
quill SFX and a doink.
BOB (cont'd)
AAAAHHHH!
BOB looks over his
"shoulder" to find a small quill stuck in his behind. We hear high pitched laughing. Dad looks back up the hill and sees the
three porcupines standing where the van left the road. This time one of the babies has his back to
Bob - as if he were the one responsible for the "shot". His mother and sibling are laughing
approvingly.
DAD
Wow. What a shot!
BOB
(in pain)
Hrrrgrrr.
JR
Hey! What's that?
Everyone directs
their attention to that which Jr. has observed. It's an old rundown shack under a bridge along the bank of the
river. The lights from the building
glow eerily, dimly illuminating the surrounding landscape. A Red Neon sign reading "SEAFOO"
buzzes. There is a dock attached to the
restaurant to which are tied a couple decrepid rowboats and a larger
"pirate" type ship (see "The Pirates that Don't do Anything's"
ship). A fog rises from the river which
overflows onto the land. A FOG HORN
sounds and a SHIP BELL rings. An
occasional SEAGULL call fills the air.
Eerie. Cut back to our group's
reaction.
ALL
(except BOB,)
Oooooh.
ANNIE
What's
"SEAFOO"?
PERCY
... Maybe it's
like... tofu.
DAD
... Only saltier.
Cut back to the
restaurant. A "D" on the end
of the sign flickers a few times, revealing the real word, "SEAFOOD".
ALL
AAAhhhhh.
FADE TO:Black
.
FADE IN:
Interior - night. LOBBY of
Seafood restaurant
We hear Jr. teasing
Laura and Bob scolding Dad as our group comes through the front door of the
seafood restaurant. It's set up like a
typical Red Lobster with a hostess station and waiting area in the lobby,
bathrooms and telephones off to the side and a dining room beyond a clam and
lobster montage arch. Jean Claude and Phillipe Pea are the hosts and are
standing on the host podium. The walls
are filled with every imaginable sea creature - both stuffed and painted. Fishing nets hang. A picture of Ahab and Moby Dick adorns the walls, as well. The atmosphere is very mysterious and
"salty." The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything's theme in a
"moody/nautical" style is playing over the audio system. Dialogue is occurring simultaneously:
BOB
Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in
this mess!
daD
I said I was
sorry... I'll do better next time!
BOB
There isn't gonna
be a next time!!
ANNIE
Mr. Bob?... How are
we gonna get to the Twippo concert?
PERCY
Ya! We're gonna
miss the bald bunny song!
BOB
(very disgruntled)
I dunno!... I don't
know about any bald... bunnies...
laURA
Even if we make it
to the concert - I can't get in! I lost
my ticket!
JR.
Serves you
right! It's your own fault for waving
it around in my face!!
PERCY
(singing)
I'm a bald bunny,
ain't got no fur I'm a bald bunny,
brrr brrr brrr.
ANNIE
I have to go to the
bathroom.
DAD
You know I'm
usually not that clumsy in the car...
Usually I'm quite dexterous.
BOB
Two flat
tires. How in the world are we gonna
change two flat tires?... Where's the
phone?...
PERCY
(singing)
I'm a bald bunny,
looking kinda silly
I'm a bald bunny,
feeling really chilly...
lauRA
(mourning)
I lost my ticket!
JR
(to Laura)
If you hadn't been
teasing me with it, we might not be in this mess, Laura!
Laura looks down
sadly. JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIP PEA
observe our friends as they enter the restaurant and put up with the racket
momentarily, then can take no more...
Jean claude &
phillip
(clearing throats, together)
eh.. eh.. Ahem...
May we help you?
Our friends stop in
their tracks and look up to the imposing hosts. They all pause for a moment then blurt out simultaneously:
BOB
The Asparagus
whacked me in the head with a guitar and our van got taken out by a mad
porcupine, then another one got me...
BOB turns around
and shows his back side with the quill sticking out.
PERCY
(singing)
Bald, bald, bunny,
bunny Look over there
bunny! Hair over there
bunny!
What fur? That fur! There's some fur bald bunny!
DAD
Maybe it's because
I'm used to the ukulele... The neck is so much shorter... Yeah... that's why...
Say... I need to call my wife... Do you have a phone?
JR
Laura was teasing
me with her "special ticket," and then it flew right out the window
and she screamed and made the van crash..
Jr turns to Laura
JR (cont'd)
and now none
of us get to see Twippo!
ANNIE waits for
everyone to finish shouting, then comments sweetly:
ANNIE
May I please use
the bathroom?
JEAN CLAUDE and
PHILLIPE look at each other then turn back to the crowd.
PHillipe
Down the hall,
first door on the left.
ANNIE
Thank you.
ANNIE hops off
toward the bathroom. There is a video
game at the end of the hall, as well.
PERCY looks on.
PERCY
Oooh! Captain Ahab's Moby Blaster! My favorite!
PERCY follows ANNIE
down the hall.
JEAN CLAUDE
What do you want?
BOB
Well sirs... The
Asparagus hit me in the head with a guitar and an angry mother porcupine shot
out our tires and one of her babies got me...
BOB turns his
bottom toward peas
JEAN CLAUDE &
PHILLIPE
oooh.
DAD
... and I need to
use your phone to call...
BOB
(cutting off Dad)
A tow truck.
DAD
...My wife.
JEAN CLAUDE
I see.
PhILLIPE
(to Dad)
Next to the Moby
Blaster.
DAD
Thanks.
DAD hops off toward
the phone. BOB, JR. and LAURA
remain.
JEAN CLAUDE
... Well... In the
meantime, would you like to have a seat?
Maybe enjoy a nice... combo platter?...
Cheesy DRUMS starts
up...
JEAN CLAUDE &
PHILLIPE
(singing)
Steak! Steak! Eat it! Eat it!
Shrimp! Shrimp!
Need it! Need it!
Steak and
Shrimp! Steak and Shrimp!
Need to! Need
to! Eat it! Eat it!
JEAN CLAUDE and
PHILLIPE do a little dance as they sing.
DRUMS stop as abruptly as they started.
BOB, LAURA and JR look at each other, concerned. BOB returns a cautious nod.
INTERIOR -
NIGHT. DINING ROOM OF SEAFOOD
RESTAURANT
BOB, LAURA and JR
hop toward their table. They are led by
JEAN CLAUDE (menus in hand) and followed by PHILLIPE. PHILLIPE takes note of the quill in BOB'S behind. THE PIRATES WHO DON'T DO ANYTHING theme
MUSIC plays over the sound system.
PhILLIPE
Do you prefer
"poking" or "non-poking?"
BOB returns an
annoyed, forced laugh to PHILLIP'S bad pun.
BOB
heh heh heh... non.
JEAN CLAUDE
Good one
Phillipe! You are one clever pea, no?
PHILLIPE
(with his little French laugh)
Un huh huh!
PHILLIPE
"yanks" the quill out. This
can be implied with a sound effect ("doink") and then showing
Phillipe holding the quill.
BOB
AAAH!
PHILLIPE stops hopping
and stands there examining the quill as JEAN CLAUDE continues with the other
three.
PHILLIPE
(looking at quill)
Whala! A skewer for zee scampi!
PHILLIPE hops back
toward the kitchen, revealing (rack focus) three scraggly pirates in a
booth. It's "The Pirates Who Don't
Do Anything": Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt and Larry. They join into the intercom music lazily singing like old high
school football players reminiscing about their glory days:
PIRATES
(Singing)
We are The Pirates
Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay
home and lie around! And if
you ask us to do anything,
We'll just tell
you...
We don't do
anything!
Cut back to JEAN
CLAUDE, BOB, JR and LAURA as they reach their booth. Coincidently, it is right beside where the pirates are
sitting. The booths are divided by a
sheet of translucent Plexiglas. We hear
the light, lazy banter of the pirates (having finished their little chorus)
beyond the glass as background noise.
JEAN CLAUDE
Please make
yourselves comfortable, I will be back to take your orders...
JEAN CLAUDE places
menus on table and hops away.
BOB
Why don't you two
wait here. I'm gonna go call a tow
truck. Maybe we can still make it to
the concert on time.
BOB hops off.
lAURA
(sadly)
Yeah... everyone
but me...
jR
Hey, it's your own
fault for teasing me! You're just
getting what you deserve!
LAURA is frustrated
and hurt. She looks to BOB hopping off.
Jr. smiles, self-righteously.
LAURA
(frustrated noise)
Hrrrrrrrg... I'm coming
with you Mr. Bob...
PIRATES
[add lib lazy
comments]
LAURA hops off
after BOB. JR remains at the table,
gloating in the "divine justice" of Laura's plight. He looks around the restaurant, taking in
the surroundings - which are slightly eerie once again. He can see the silhouettes of the pirates
through the Plexiglas. They continue
their banter. He realizes he is alone,
and feels a little frightened.
We return to JR. at
the table. He nervously looks around,
then spots the menu in front of him. He opens it up and starts to read. We scan it as he reads...
STEAK AND SHRIMP ... $10.00
SCAMPI ON A
SKEWER ...
$7.50
SCAMPI ON A
CLEAN SKEWER ... $10.00
COMPASSION ... MARKET PRICE
This last item
seems odd to JR. He raises an eyebrow. We hear a SLIDING SFX.
PA GRAPE
Excuse me!
JR is taken by
surprise and startles. He drops his menu, revealing the pirates. They have slid back the translucent
Plexiglas from between the booths and now seem quite close. They're all staring at JR.
JR
AAAAAH!
LARRY
How's it goin?
MR. LUNT
Hey. What's up?
JR
(still scared)
Who are you?
PIRATES look around
and behind themselves.
PA GRAPE
Who us?
JR thought the
question was obvious.
JR
...Yeah...
PA GRAPE
Oh!... We are...
"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!"...
MR. LUNT
Oh you know that's
right.
LARRY
Nothin'.
MR. LUNT
Zilch.
LARRY
Nada.
PA GRAPE
... Didn'tcha hear
our song?
JR
Well.. yeah...
but...
PA GRAPE
Look... Sonny...
Can I call you Sonny?
JR
Junior.
PA GRAPE
Hey! Pretty
close! Look... Junior... We couldn't help but notice you were havin'
a little thing with your friend over there.
MR. LUNT
Yeah. You weren't being very nice...
JR
Well, it's her own
fault! She was teasing me and now she's
getting what she deserves!
PA GRAPE
Right.
(pause)
Junior... we've
seen these types of situations before.
MR. LUNT
Happens all the
time.
PA GRAPE
What you need is a
little compassion.
LARRY
...And maybe some
scampi.
JR throws off
LARRY'S comment and comments to PA;
JR
Hey... I saw that
in the menu... What is that? What's
compassion?
MR. LUNT
Ooh. That's a hard question.
LARRY
Mmmm Hmmm.
PA GRAPE
Well... Compassion
is when ya see that someone needs help, and ya wanna help 'em!
JR looks confused.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
That's what I
thought you'd say.
MR. LUNT
They all do.
LARRY
Yep.
PA GRAPE
We find it helpful
to illustrate with a little story.
JR seems
interested.
JR
A story?
PA GRAPE
Yep. You know, we call ourselves, "The
Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."
But that's not entirely accurate...
MR. LUNT
Yeah! Remember when we did that one thing... with
that one guy?
PA GRAPE
Oh do I ever...
LARRY
(dreamily)
I remember it like
it was yesterday...
FADE TO:
ext - day. marketplace of small, israeli town.
3
pirates approach merchant's booth. Mr.
Nezzer is merchant. He eyes them
suspiciously, but with mild amusement, like one eyes the town eccentric who
insists on wearing his underpants on the outside.
nezzer
Are you guys still
doin' that 'pirate thing?'
lunt
(resents statement)
Arrgh!! Watch yer tongue matey, or we'll hafta...
(to comrades after beat)
What will we do?
larry
We won't do
anything. We're 'The Pirates Who Don't
Do Anything', remember?
lunt
(let down)
Oh, that's right.
(fierce again)
Arrgh! Ya got off easy today!
Nezzer gives him a
'whatever' look and goes about his business.
laRRY
We need more
"Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!"
pa GRAPE
Ya! And root beer!
nEZZER
I told you boys -
no more cheese curls until you pay your tab!
You still owe me from last week!
LuNT
But, you'll take
away out chance to win the "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl
Sweepstakes!"
Nezzer
... Come again?
Pa GRAPE
Inside one of those
bags of cheesy goodness is a golden ticket that'll change our lives forever!!
NeZZER
(thinks)
Well... you could
work here for me... That way you could EARN more cheese curls...
PiRATES
[Great! Okay!
Sounds good! etc.]
NEZZER
So, uh... Whadaya
know how to do?
Pirates think.
Pa GRAPE
Well... I'm pretty
good at lawn darts...
LarRY
Ping-pong! I can
play ping-pong!
LunT
Croquet is my
spe-ci-al-ity...
Nezzer just stares
at them.
Pa GRAPE
When do we start?
Nezzer slams the
gate down on his booth.
Pa GRAPE (cont'd)
Monday's good for
me...
pA narrator (V.O.)
We were short on
cash. It seems not doin' anything
didn't pay very well.
lunt
So, what do we do
now?
laRRY
Mmm - nothing.
LuNT
You are a genius!
Pirates exit,
passing by booth where Man is buying fish from Ninevites. 2 Ninevites have a pile of old fish in front
of them. Flies buzz around the pile.
Man
Are these fish
fresh?
jeAN CLAUDE
You bet!
PhilLIPE
Oh, ya!
Man sniffs - fish
are obviously rotten. He nearly faints,
then turns and walks away indignantly.
Man
Oh!
jeAN CLAUDE
What?!? They were
fresh when we caught them...
PhILLIPE
Zat's right...
JeaN CLAUDE
...two weeks ago!!
Jean CLAUDE &
PHILLIPE
Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha
hee!
Other Ninevite
laughs.
Cut to Larry -
looking on.
larrY
(concerned/disgusted)
Mm. Ninevites.
pa narrator (VO)
Beside the fact
that we were low on funds, this was a memorable day because he showed
up!
Larry and others
turn to look at a tall figure entering the market. It is JONAH (Archibald Asparagus), riding very regally on his camel REGINALD. As Pa speaks, we watch Jonah ride into the
market as well as the reactions of the crowd to the presence of a prophet. (SCORE - Theme 2B-271.)
pa narrator (cont'd)
Jonah!
(musical sting)
Now Jonah was a
prophet of God - which means he was one of the very special people God used to
deliver messages to Israel. He was kind
of like a mailman, except his letters came straight from God!!
(Pa gets a little too excited on that line.)
Ahem. Anyway...
Jonah loved helping his friends by bringing them God's messages. Sometimes the
messages were good, sometimes they were not so good. But when a prophet talked, everybody listened!
nEZZER
(yelling out)
What's the word,
Jonah?
townspeople
(various)
(What's the
word? Yeah, what's the word?)
Jonah looks around
smartly, then pulls up his camel.
jonah
Stop right here,
Reginald.
Reginald
Rpbbpbpbf!
Reginald snuffles
and pulls up short. From his demeanor,
it is obvious that he too, is British.
Jonah glances around for a moment, then speaks. Music starts.
joNAH
Dear people, I
bring you a message from the Lord!
The crowd catches
their breath and stiffens, fearing the worst.
Crowd
Gasp!
joNAH
Oh... it's a
message of encouragement!
CROWD
Phew! (Sigh?)
Crowd relaxes
visibly.
jonAH
(singing)
Do not fight,
Do not cheat,
Wash your hands
before you eat,
There is nothing
quite as sweet - a message from the Lord!
Be a friend,
Say your
prayers,
Heaven loves a
heart that cares,
That is why I've
come to share a message from the Lord!
And if you follow
God's commands -
There will be peace
throughout the land!
You will live long
and happy lives!
With your sheep -
your kids - your wives!!
joNAH (cont'd)
(singing)
Don't eat pigs,
Show merchant selling pork products. He
tries to look inconspicuous.
jonah (cont'd)
Don't eat bats.
MERCHANT #2 is selling
"bat-on-a-sticks". He tries
to look inconspicuous.
jonah (cont'd)
Don't eat beetles,
flies or gnats.
MERCHANT #3 is
selling, you guessed it, bug burgers.
He too, tries to look inconspicuous.
jonah (cont'd)
Stay away from all
of that! A message from the Lord!
3 merchants pull
out new signs or flip tables over. All
3 are now selling bagels.
jonah (cont'd)
(singing)
Do what's right,
Don't provoke,
Jonah approaches
MAN WEARING CLOAK.
joNAH (cont'd)
(singing)
Put four tassels on
your cloak.
KID next to man
cracks up.
joNAH (cont'd)
(singing)
Do not laugh, it's
not a joke! A message from the Lord!
Townspeople start
to pick up song. Jonah echoes each line
with a "That's right! Now you've
got it!" Etc.
Townspeople
(singing)
Do not fight,
Do not cheat,
woman #1
Wash your hands
before you eat,
man #1
There is nothing
quite as sweet -
WOman #2
a message from the
Lord!
joNAH
All together now!
towNSPEOPLE
(singing)
Be a friend,
Say your
prayers,
Heaven loves a
heart that cares,
That is why he came
to share a message from the Lord!
Repeat stanza
instrumentally. Tempo picks up -
townspeople break into 'Oklahoma'-style dance around market. Townspeople resume singing at new tempo.
towNSPEOPLE (cont'd)
And if we follow
God's commands -
Women in Cart
Yodel-ah-ha-ah
Townspeople
There will be peace
throughout our land!
WoMEN IN CART
Yodel-ah-ha-ah
ToWNSPEOPLE
We will live long
and happy lives!
With our sheep -
our kids - our wives!!
Do what's right,
Don't provoke,
Put four tassels on
your cloak.
Do not laugh, it's
not a joke! A message from the Lord!
joNAH
Don't do drugs!
Stay in school!
cockney townsperson
This is quite a lot
of rules!
joNAH
Follow them and
you're no fool, a-
townSPEOPLE
Follow them and
you're no fool, a-
joNAH
Follow them and
you're no fool,
all
A message from the
Lord!!
joNAH
Follow them and
you're no fool,
all
A message from the
Lord!
A message from the
Lord!!
Crowd strikes a
final pose - holds it for a few beats - then everyone goes back to their
business.
joNAH
Alright, good show
everyone! Thank you very much!
pa nARRATOR (vo)
That was pretty
much Jonah's life! Town to town... bringing God's messages to his friends...
not a bad gig, overall!
diSSOLVE TO:
ext - night. outside jonah's tent.
Small, colorful
tent set up on the edge of town. (Big
enough to stand up in, but wouldn't hold more than 3 or 4 people.) Oil lamp is primary source of light, hanging
near tent's small window.
disSOLVE TO:
int - night. inside jonah's tent.
Jonah is ready for
bed, praying. Either seated or
standing, depending on acting logistics.
There is a map of Israel on the wall, painted on a large piece of
papyrus. The map extends just enough to
show Nineveh in the far upper right corner.
pa nARRATOR
So, every night
before he went to sleep, Jonah would pray and ask God if there was a new
message for him to deliver. And this
night, there was a message that would change Jonah's life!
jonAH
(eyes closed - 'conversing' with God)
A new message...
yes... what's that? People being
unkind? Lying? Stealing?
Oh, dear! Sounds like a standard
"turn and repent" to me.
Alright... name the town! I'll
be on my way first thing in the morning!
Where is it? Jericho? Damascus?
(pause)
What? Nineveh?
Jonah opens his
eyes and scans his map.
joNAH (cont'd)
(confused)
I'm not aware of
any Nineveh's in Israel... no, I don't think...
(pause - eyes widen)
Oh... you mean that
Nineveh?
PA NARRATOR
(Pan and zoom across map to Nineveh.)
That Nineveh wasn't in Israel at all! It was the capital of Assyria and it was the
biggest, meanest city around!
(Show dark, scary city)
Now, the people of
Nineveh were particularly mean to Jonah's people - the Israelites. They lied!
They stole! But worst of all,
they slapped people with fishes!
(Show Ninevites doing the above to several Israelites)
Ninevite pea
Yes!!
PA NARRATOR
They even slapped
each other with fishes! They didn't
know the difference between right and wrong.
The Ninevites were so mean, in fact, that most Israelites - including
Jonah - wished God would just wipe Nineveh off the face of the Earth!
(Show fire from heaven consuming Nineveh - comically)
Ninevite pea
(yelling)
Pa Narrator
Needless to say, Jonah was shocked that God
would want him to deliver a message to his enemies
Back to Jonah.
JONAH
(confused)
You - you don't
want me to go there.... You don't know
what Nineveh is like! Perhaps you've
never been there... Well, of course, you haven't! A god like you would never go to a place like Nineveh! For that matter, either would a prophet like
me! Ha ha..
(nervous laugh - then singing )
No, it cannot
be...
Your messages
are meant for me... and my brothers.
We are you're
chosen people - and Nineveh... well, they're not!
There must be
some mistake - a big misunderstanding.
It's really hard
to take - how could you be so demanding?
For years I've
been your messenger from Moresheth to Gath.
But Nineveh
should get no chance to turn - they've earned your wrath!
No, it cannot
be...
Your messages
are meant for me... and my brothers.
We are you're
chosen people - and Nineveh... well, they're not!
(speaking)
We're the good
guys... they're the bad guys! Please,
don't send me there with a message of your mercy!
(singing)
Damascus or
Jerusalem - I'll be there in a minute!
Any town in
Israel, just ask me! I'll be in it!
Shiloh, Gilgal,
Jericho - just say the word!
But Nineveh -
that is just absurd!
Joppa, Aphek,
Jezreel - they're all just fine -
But Nineveh...
(thoughtful)
oh, Nineveh...
(resolute)
No! Nineveh is where I draw the line!
Jonah rips off
section of map containing Nineveh on closing beat, cutting a clear line across
map.
cut TO:
ext - night. Jonah's tent. near ground angle.
Glow in tent window
is the only warm tone in an otherwise blue night scene. He's the only one awake in town. Jonah flings the crumpled up piece of map
out the window. It bounces up near the
camera.
cut TO:
int - Jonah's tent.
Jonah lies back on
his mat, staring up thoughtfully.
jonAH
(singing)
No, it cannot
be...
Your messages
are meant for me.
He turns away from
the camera and the wind picks up,
blowing out his small OIL LAMP.
cut to black.
int - night. seafood restaurant
Besides Junior, a
few more people have gathered around to hear the story, Laura included. They are entranced.
Laura is now
sitting beside Junior, listening.
pa GRAPE
Yup. It sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to
Jonah's enemies.
Bob returns,
sliding into the booth, oblivious to the story.
bob
The tow truck's on
it's way. Ya know, Junior, I love your
dad and all, but that's the last time I pick him for a copilot
Bob notices the
pirates staring.
bOB (cont'd)
Uh... what's going
on?
Lunt slurps on his
straw. Pa stares at him for a beat.
pa GRAPE
Ahem... We're
telling a little story. You should
listen, too.
Bob glances around,
then nods and smiles feebly.
pa GRAPE (cont'd)
As I was saying, it
sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to the Ninevites.
laura
What's 'mercy'?
lunt
It's what this
whole story is about!
junior
I thought it was
about compassion... remember? The menu?
Mr. Lunt looks a
little embarrassed.
lunt
Uh, yeah. There's that, too.
pa GRAPE
Better check your
menu again - we got TWO specials today... and they go hand in hand!
Junior picks up his
menu, just in time to see "MERCY..... MARKET PRICE" fade in right
beneath compassion.
larry
Compassion is when
you want to help someone who needs help.
Mercy is when you give someone a second chance... even if they don't
deserve it! This story is about both of
them!
PA GRAPE
That's right, my
cucumber friend. Ya can't have mercy
without compassion... but mercy is even more important! Jonah was afraid God was going to give
Nineveh a second chance - that he was going to help them even though they
didn't deserve it!
laura
So what did he do?
dissOLVE TO:
ext - day. outside
jonah's tent.
pa nARRATOR
Well, never before
had he gotten a message from God that he didn't want to deliver! He didn't know what to do!
Jonah backs out of
tent, shutting the flap behind him. No
sooner does he turn around, than he is greeted warmly by townspeople.
jerry
Good morning,
Jonah! What's the word?
Jonah starts to
panic.
joNAH
What? Nothing!
There is no word!
jerry
(surprised)
Nothing at all?
joNAH
No!! Nothing at all! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm very busy!
Jonah hurries off,
only to be greeted by another townsperson.
neZZER
Good morning
Jonah! What's the word?
joNAH
(very panicky)
Stop it!! There is no word!! Nothing!!
(to himself)
I've got to get out
of here!
Jonah starts to
run. Nezzer looks after, confused.
joNAH (cont'd)
(running, looking over shoulders to make sure no one's following)
There is no
word... I have no new messages!!
And above all, I am
not... going... to... Nineveh!!
Jonah runs face
first into giant map of middle east, posted next to a merchant's booth advertising
cruise tickets.
cut TO:
ext - day.
dockside.
The merchant is
SCOOTER. He has a small booth right at
the edge of the dock. He sells tickets
for cruises out of this small port.
There are several ships docked behind him, one of which belongs to the Pirates.
scooter
Sorry, sir! I can't sell ya a ticket to Nineveh!
jonAH
(confused)
What?!? Who are you?!?
scooter
The name's
Angus. I sell cruise tickets! There's nothing like a cruise on the Great
Sea ta clean the sand outa yer wicket, aye?
But ya can't sail ta Nineveh!
It's landlocked! See?
(gestures with a loud 'thwack!' to map with pointer)
Ya can't go by
sea... ya gotta go by land!
jonAH
(still confused)
But I don't want to
go to-
Jonah is
interrupted by passing townspeople
wOMAN #1
Oh, hello Mr.
Jonah! What's the word?
sCOOTER
Ah! He's goin' ta Nineveh!!
wOMAN #1
Oh, really?
jonAH
(erupts)
I am not
going to Nineveh! Why on Earth would I
want to go to Nineveh?!? In fact, I'm
going in the opposite direction!
(looks to map)
What's the furthest
thing in the world from Nineveh?
SCOOTER
Well if you have a
few days, you could sail down to Egypt... it's lovely this time of year...
Something on the
map has caught Jonah's eye. He isn't
listening.
jonAH
There! I want to go there!
Camera follows
Jonah's gaze to the far end of the map - to an area called
"Tarshish."
SCOOTER
Wha-? Tarshish?
Why, that would take weeks! It's
the other end of the world!!
jonAH
Perfect! How much?
SCOOTER
Even if you had the
money, no one around here has the time to sail all the way to Tarshish...
Scooter notices one
of the Pirates lounging above deck in a recliner, listening to their theme song
on a cheap, AM radio.
scoOTER (cont'd)
Then again...
Jonah notices Pirates
as well.
cut TO:
ext - day. Pirate ship - above deck.
All 3 Pirates are
lined up, explaining why they can't possibly sail to Tarshish.
pa GRAPE
(overlapping)
We couldn't
possibly... we're very busy with... cargo... and stuff...
lunt
You know, Pirates
have to pillage and plunder and... uh, that really takes it out of you...
larry
... and Alf is on
in a half-hour so I don't think we should... uh...
pa GRAPE
... and besides
that, we don't really sail.
(beat)
At all.
(beat)
So the answer is
'no.'
jonAH
(after a pause)
Money is no object.
Pregnant
pause. The Pirates are motionless. Then Pa Grape breaks the silence.
pa GRAPE
Next stop,
Tarshish! I'll hoist the mainsail!
larry
I'll pop the
popcorn!
lunT
I'll get the moist
towelettes! Where did we put them? Hey, Larry, have you seen the towelettes?
LarrY
I got it! I got it!
LuNT
No, those are baby
wipes. They'll dry your skin out.
Pirates scurry
around like crazy, imagining all the cheese curls their newfound wealth will
buy. Jonah smiles - relieved - but then
looks a bit concerned as he realizes he is now 'officially' running away from
God.
The Pirates prattle
on as their ship moves away from the dock under full sail. Sailing erratically, they careen into the
ship next to them as they head toward the open sea.
pa grape (os)
Sorry! My fault!!
Pa NARRATOR
Even though we'd
never sailed before, we took to it like a fish to water!
Cut to Larry
standing dramatically in the crow's nest, spyglass to his eye. He scans the sea
aggressively. He spots something.
LarrY
Thar she blows!
Cut to Lunt,
staring up at him from the deck
LuNT
Where?
LarrY
(looking down at the deck)
Right there! Next
to the grill!
We cut to Larry's
POV through the telescope to show a ping-pong ball on the deck of the ship next
to the BBQ grill. Lunt moves into shot. Cut to Lunt on deck.
LUNT
Got it!
Lunt takes the ball
to the pint pong table. Pa is standing on the top of one side of the table with
paddle. Jonah stands behind the opposite side, holding paddle lethargically.
Pa GRAPE
6-0!
Pa serves the ball.
It bounces right past Jonah, who makes no attempt to hit it. He's too depressed
to try. He watches it bounce off the table and over toward the grill.
Pa GRAPE (cont'd)
7-0! That's a
skunk! I win!
Jonah looks on
dryly. Lunt and Larry cheer.
Lunt and Larry
Yeah! Yippee
Pa GRAPE
Whadaya say, Jonah?
2 out of 3?
JoNAH
Ahh... No. I'm
done.
Jonah turns and
listlessly walks away from the table.
PA GRAPE
Argh! When we get
to Tarshish, Ho-ho's! On me!
LuNT AND LARRY
Yeah! Yippee
(cheering in unison!)
We winny at the
ping pong!
We get the ho-ho
and the ding dong!
Ding-dong!
Cut to shot from
the bulkhead ad Jonah listlessly walks toward stairs to go below deck.
pa nARRATOR
Once we finally got
out to sea, Jonah went below deck to rest a bit.
cut TO:
int - day. SHIP'S HOLD.
Typical ship's
hold. Dark and musty. Bags of grape leaves on floor, barrels of
who-knows-what, etc. Two bunks hang off
one wall - one over the other. Light
comes from several oil lanterns, plus some natural light down ladder from above
deck and through cracks in planking above.
Jonah enters and looks around.
joNAH
(a little depressed)
Oh, what have I
done? What have I done?
Jonah grabs bag of
grape leaves and tosses it on bunk to use as a pillow. He drops onto the bunk on his back, with his
head on the bag, unaware that there is a large worm in the bag he has chosen.
tape
(from bag)
You are powerful
and attractive.
jonah
(glances around nervously)
What? Who's there?
TAPE
You do not run from
your problems, but confront them face-to-face.
joNAH
(jumping up)
Ah!! The bag! It speaks!
Throws bag against
opposite wall.
Khalil
(from pillow)
Ow! What did you do that for?
joNAH
Mr. Twisty? ...
Who's there? Show yourself!
Worm crawls up on
barrel or something. He is holding
headphones, which he places back in the bag of leaves. Jonah has never seen a
worm exactly like this one.
Khalil
Hello!
joNAH
What are you?
KHALIL
Who, me?... Oh, my
name is Khalil. I am a
caterpillar. Well, that's only half
true. My mother was a caterpillar. My father was a worm. But I'm okay with that now.
joNAH
(can't pronounce)
Khalil?
khalil
Khalil. You've got to get your gut into it.
(pause)
I bet you're
wondering why I'm here.
jonah
(not really interested)
Aaah... you... tidy
up around the ship?
KHALIL
Oh, no - I do not
work on the ship.
(proudly)
I am a small
business operator! A traveling
salesman! I sell Persian rugs door to
door! See?
JONAH
(still not interested)
Oh - lovely. A-
Jonah opens his
mouth to speak, but Khalil cuts him off.
KHALIL
By the way, do you
know where this ship is going?
JONAH
Yes, Tarshish.
KHALIL
(eyes widen)
Tarshish! What a trip!
(thinks)
You know, that may
be just what I need! The Persian rug
business has not been going very well around here...
(brightens)
But I still have a
positive mental attitude... because of my motivational tapes!
Pulls headphones
out of bag of leaves - tape is still playing.
Jonah looks on curiously.
tape
You are a skilled
metalworker.
Khalil smiles big.
KHALIL
I am a skilled
metalworker!
(shrugs)
I did not know
that!
Jonah stares,
perplexed. Khalil puts headphones back
in back - clicks off tape. Jonah turns
to straighten his bunk.
jONAH
Yes... well, that's
lovely, Carlyle, but if you don't mind, I think I'll just get some rest...
Khalil is staring
intently at Jonah's profile. It looks
very familiar. Suddenly, he realizes
who he's looking at.
KHALIL
(excited)
Jonah!?!
Jonah startles.
JONAH
Huh - ?
KHALIL
You're Jonah!!
JONAH
You know me?
KHALIL
Of course I
do! You are the most famous prophet in
the whole world!!
Jonah is flattered,
tries to hide a smile.
JONAH
Well, I don't know
if I'd say -
KHALIL
I sell your
licensed merchandise! Look! I have the Jonah rugs...
Pulls out Persian
rug with Jonah's profile on it.
khaLIL (CONT'D)
... the Jonah plush
toy...
Pulls out tiny
plush Jonah.
KHALIL (CONT'D)
... with sound
chip!
Khalil gives the
Jonah doll a few whacks to the belly.
plush toy
(tinny - sound chip style)
A message from the
Lord!
(whack)
A message from the
Lord!
jONAH
Well, I'm...
flattered...
khALIL
You are huge!! You are a celebrity!!
JONAH
(modestly)
Well... I...
KHALIL
From town to town -
delivering God's messages! What a
life! You are a big shot!!
JONAH
(still hiding a smile)
Oh, no... it's
really...
kHALIL
(not slowing down a bit)
The man God can
count on to deliver his messages!
This line nicks Jonah,
and his fake modesty starts to fade.
JONAH
(deflating)
Yes... well...
KHALIL
You and God are
like peas in a pod! Like two humps on a
camel - you always 'sway the same way!'
Jonah is wilting.
kHALIL (CONT'D)
(laughing)
Oh, that's a good
one! You know, humor runs very deep in
my family! My uncle was a big star
back at a comedy club in Nineveh... the Taj Ma-Haha... Standing room only!
(grows sober)
Then he was hit
with a fish. I'm telling you, those
people don't know right from wrong.
joNAH
Oh, Nineveh.
Khalil
Hmm? You are sad now, my friend? Something about Nineveh makes you feel sad
inside?
joNAH
I don't really want
to talk about it... I just need some rest...
Khalil
Oh, you do not have
to tell me.
joNAH
Good.
Khalil
Because I already
know.
joNAH
(startles)
You do?
Khalil
Oh, yes. There is a woman in Nineveh, is there
not? A beautiful young asparagus! She is waiting there for you, no?
joNAH
Um, no.
Khalil
(keeps right on going)
You were promised
to be married - but your job is now in the way. The woman's father is the head of an international ring of camel
thieves! This very day you set sail for
Tarshish to deliver a message that will break the back of the camel thieves -
but in the process will break the heart of the woman you love!
Jonah stares -
unable to speak.
Khalil (CONT'D)
Insight runs very
deep in my family. Do not worry, the
first one is free.
JONAH
(beyond desperate)
Please, Carlyle...
I just need to get some rest...
KHALIL
It's Khalil. But you can call me Carlyle if you want
to! When we get to Tarshish, you can
deliver the message, and I'll sell the plush toys! We can be a team!
Jonah stares at the
wall and groans.
Toy
A message from...
the Lord!
JONAH
Ugh...
kHALIL
Well, sweet dreams
travelling buddy! We can make our plans
to save those camels tomorrow!
Clearly depressed,
Jonah closes his eyes. We hear the
"click" of Khalil's tape recorder, as the motivational tape starts
back up. The look on Jonah's face
contrasts with the line from the tape.
tAPE
You are a
go-getter.
fade tO bLACK.
int - dream
sequence. Cut to white limbo.
Jonah over white
limbo background. Jonah is
walking. Passes Scooter, dressed as
ticket merchant. Everything is
mysterious.
joNAH
Yes - which way is
Tarshish?
sCOOTER
(kind of trance-like)
Right this way...
ya can't miss it!
joNAH
Thank you!
Jonah continues -
relieved to be heading for Tarshish.
Suddenly God's voice
interrupts, which sounds suspiciously like Pa Grape.
god
Jonah...
Jonah is surprised
- looks around for source.
joNAH
What? Who is it?
god
Jonah... Where are
you going?
joNAH
Oh! It's you, Lord.
(nervously)
Um - I'm going
to... I'm going...
god
Jonah!
joNAH
I'm sorry, I can't
hear you!
Jonah starts to
walk very quickly.
god
Jonah!
Jonah starts to
run.
joNAH
I can't hear
you! Lalalalalalala...!
god
Jonah!
Suddenly, running
becomes difficult. Jonah looks down and
sees that he is now running in water, and the water seems to be rising.
joNAH (o.S.)
(struggling)
I... can't...
hear... you!
PA GRAPE (o.S.)
Jonah!
Water splashes
Jonah's face as he tries vainly to run against the rising tide.
dissolve TO:
int - day. Ship's hold.
Dream transition
back to Jonah, tossing in his bunk. The
hold of the ship is flooding and water is splashing Jonah's face. Pa Grape is trying to wake him.
pa GRAPE
Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!
joNAH
(eyes closed)
No! I- I can't hear you!
pa GRAPE
Come on, wake
up! We got trouble!
Jonah finally opens
his eyes and sees his surroundings.
Water sloshes around the hold as the ship is rocked by an immense storm.
joNAH
(groggy)
What?
(notices situation)
What's happening?!?
PA
GRAPE
We're in a
storm! Like I've never seen
before! If we don't do something quick,
we're gonna sink!!
We cut to the WORM
with his mouth stuffed with grape leafs, bobbing around in a small pot while
munching away and licking his fingers.
Khalil
(speaking with his mouth full)
We seem to have
sprung a leak, traveling buddy!
PA GRAPE spots the
worm and becomes angry.
PA GRAPE
Huh?... Hey! What are you doin' here?
The WORM looks
nervous.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
Didn't I tell you
to get off my ship, ya lousy leaf eater?
The WORM nods
timidly in affirmation.
Khalil
Well, yes... but
you see, my new friend and I are going to Tarshish to break the back of the
camel thieves!!
Pa glances
curiously at Jonah, who gives him an "it's a long story" look.
Khalil (cONT'D)
Crime-fighting runs
very deep in my family!
PA GRAPE
... Why if it
wasn't for this storm I'd make ya walk the plank!
(turning his attention to Jonah)
And you! How can
you sleep at a time like this?
JONAH
What's going on?
PA GRAPE
I'll tell you
what's going on! We're all gonna be
fish food if I don't get some help!
JONAH and the WORM
startle.
joNAH
(panic)
Well - what can we
do?
PA GRAPE
Get up and pray to
your god! Maybe he'll have mercy on us and spare our lives! ... Oy!
PA GRAPE turns to
go above deck.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
Somebody "up
there" must be really upset with somebody "down here!"
JONAH looks
nervous, the WORM looks at JONAH. PA GRAPE then turns back and brightens, just
having had a realization.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
...Wait a minute!
That's it!... Alright you two, follow me!
The WORM and JONAH
look curiously at each other.
EXTERIOR -
DAY. PIRATE SHIP AT SEA
LARRY and MR LUNT
are on deck at a small folding table, playing go fish with a deck of fish
cards. MR LUNT has a big
"handful" of cards. LARRY is
holding only one card and has his "suits" laid out neatly in front of
him. The ship is rocking violently and
the two pirates and their table slide up and down the deck as they play.
LuNT
You got electric
eel?
Larry
Nope. Go Fish...
(tauntingly)
...one more
card....
MR. LUNT
You are one
cheatin' buccaneer.
LARRY
How'm I supposed to
cheat at "go fish?"
MR LUNT thinks
about the question.
MR. LUNT
Uhhh... I don't know...
PA GRAPE
(Off-screen)
Alright ya Lazy's!
PA GRAPE, JONAH and
the WORM approach.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
Game over! Shuffle 'em up and deal us in!
LARRY
...but...
MR. LUNT
(Mockingly)
Hee Hee.
The other three
gather around the table. MR LUNT
gathers the cards and "shuffles" them. PA GRAPE lays the ground rules... We cut between character's reactions as he speaks.
PA GRAPE
Okay! Here's the
deal. The way I see it, there is a
reason for this storm. Somebody
"up there" is really upset with somebody "down here." And
it's not gonna let up until we know who that "somebody" is. It could be any one of us...
MR LUNT deals the
cards.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
...I have my
suspicions...
PA GRAPE turns
sharply toward the WORM, who reacts in terror.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
But we won't know
for sure until we figure it out scientifically.
EVERYONE looks at
each other suspiciously.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
All right men -- Go
fish!... looser takes a swim!
LIGHTNING
flashes. EVERYONE startles.
We montage through
an intense game of "go fish" as the storm continues to rage. We dissolve between different types of fish
cards being flipped up, passed around, and set down on the table. We see
character's faces as the game progresses - if they're holding a lot of cards,
they look nervous, if not, they're relaxed. MR LUNT appears to be losing at one
point, then the game shifts and the WORM is on the loosing end. We cut away to a wide shot of the pirate
ship and see it being tossed around by the waves. The worm starts to make a comeback. We hear reverby "go fishes" and various
"aarghs" and "uh-ohs" throughout the game . Finally, only the WORM and JONAH are left
with cards. They both look very
nervous. MUSIC stops. The WORM asks timidly;
KhaLIL
...You got any...
trout?
JONAH'S face
drops. He slides the WORM a card. The WORM picks the card up, then slowly lays
down his last four cards face up - four
whales! The WORM is out. JONAH is the
loser. All eyes turn toward JONAH. PA GRAPE is confused.
KhaLIL (cONT'D)
Hmmm? What a goose I am! It's a match! I had it
all along!
PA GRAPE
Huh??!! I thought for sure...
JONAH
Alright! I admit
it. It's my fault! All my fault! I'm the one to blame!
Khalil looks at
Jonah, confused.
PA GRAPE
But... I... the
worm...
JONAH
(cutting PA off)
I am a Hebrew, and
I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land. And I'm
running away from Him! He told me to go to Nineveh, but I didn't listen! You
know, I don't like those people...
Mr. Lunt
(chiming in)
Oooh. Fish
slappers.
Cut back to Khalil,
shaking his head in disbelief.
JONAH
Yes... so I ran.
I ran and I ended up here and now everyone's in terrible danger all
because of me. I'm afraid the only thing left is to be thrown into the sea!
LARRY
Awww... you don't
have to do that... we gotta plank. You
can just walk off...
JONAH, thinking
himself noble for the offer, is a little surprised by LARRY'S comment and
comments dryly...
JONAH
...Yes... thank
you. You're too kind.
LARRY smiles at the
compliment.
PA GRAPE
Well Jonah, ol'
buddy. It was nice knowin' ya... Normally you'd be entitled to a refund, but
under the circumstances - you know, with you dyin' and all ...
JONAH is again
underwhelmed by his hosts' benevolence.
JONAH
...
No... I don't suppose a refund would do me much good now, would it?...
PA GRAPE
Ah, thanks! You're a trooper.
(to LARRY)
Ain't he a trooper?
LARRY nods and
smiles in agreement. JONAH looks down
and catches Khalil's eye.
KHALIL
But... the
camels...
joNAH
(looks down)
Oh...
Jonah shakes his
head sadly, then looks pitifully toward the sea.
Suddenly, MR LUNT
brightens up, then chimes in...
MR. LUNT
Hey! Wait a minute!
I just remembered something! Maybe you don't have to walk the plank, after all!
ALL
Huh?!!
Exterior -
day. REAR OF Pirate ship at sea
Our friends have
all gathered around a big lump covered with a tarp at the back of the
ship. The storm continues to rage.
MR. LUNT
Every winter, my
cousin from Moose Lake asks me to take care of this...
MR LUNT peels off
the tarp revealing a large gas powered outboard dual propeller boat motor.
ALL
Oooooh.
LARRY
Cool.
PA GRAPE
What is it?
MR. LUNT
This my friends, is
a Jupiter 1600 horsepower, high-octane, dual propeller, pull ignition, outboard
motor... with the optional chrome trim package.
The chrome
shimmers.
ALL
(in the same tone)
Oooooh.
LARRY
(in the same tone)
Cool.
PA GRAPE
(in the same tone)
What is it?
MR. LUNT
It gets us back to
Joppa.
PA GRAPE
Oh.
JONAH
Well... How does it
work?
MR. LUNT
That I don't know.
Everyone stands
there and stares at the engine. The
WORM then speaks up.
KHALIL
Perhaps I could
help.
(to Jonah)
You know, technical
competency runs -
joNAH
(interrupting)
I know, very deep
in your family.
The worm is
surprised.
KHALIL
Oh! Our reputation precedes us! Well then... it appears that one should pull
the cord and then perhaps push this black bubbly thingy...
Everyone thinks
that's as good of an idea as any other. They all ignorantly nod in
agreement. The WORM does just
that. He pulls the cord a couple of
times and the engine turns over but does not start. He then squeezes the fuel line bubble a couple of times. Nothing happens. Everyone looks at the WORM, who becomes a little nervous that his
plan did not work. He revises it:
KHALIL (cONT'D)
Oh.. no... Maybe
it's the other way around. Perhaps if
one first pushes the black bubbly thingy and then pulls the cord...
Everyone again
ignorantly nods. The WORM squeezes the
fuel line bubble a couple of times then gives the cord a firm pull. The engine starts up immediately. The propellers start spinning.
All
Aaah!
The WORM, proud of
himself, adds:
KHALIL
See?
All
(Yelling)
Ahhhhh!
Just then, the
propellers catch the surface of the deck of the ship. Wood chips fly as the spinning blades propel the engine all the
way across the deck - ripping a trail in the planks. Cut to shots of the
propeller chasing characters through screen. They scream as the motor follows.
It then crashes through the guard rail on the bow of the ship and drops into
the sea. Everyone stares in disbelief.
MR. LUNT
(after a pause)
Yep. That's how it
works.
Everyone turns
angrily to the worm, who is standing there dumbfounded. He notices the glares and becomes
frightened.
KHALIL
It has been
delightful, but I must go now...
The WORM runs away
from the group and dives into an Art Bigotti bowling bag in the pirate's pile
of leisure gear next to the card table.
We cut to CU of JONAH who offers a resigned look as the camera pushes in
to his eyes- this is his fate. He has
no other choice but to...
Exterior -
day. The Plank of Pirate ship at sea
We pull out of
JONAH'S face to reveal a different background.
He's now standing on the "plank" of the ship and is wearing a
little ducky flotation ring and a swim cap.
The PIRATES stand at the base of the plank with their heads bowed and
their eyes closed. The storm continues
to rage.
PA GRAPE
(Praying)
Oh Lord, don't let
us die for this man's sin. And don't hold us responsible for his death, because
it isn't our fault. O Lord, you have sent this storm upon him for your own good
reasons.
LARRY
And keep my ducky
safe.
PIrates
Amen.
The PIRATES look up
from their prayer to JONAH. He looks at
them, gulps, then turns toward the sea.
Jonah
Gulp!
We cut to the WORM
poking his head out of the bowling bag - he looks sad for his friend. JONAH
bounces a few times then jumps off the plank and splashes into the sea. Immediately, the winds begin to die down and
the sea starts to calm. The clouds part
and sun shines once again. In a matter
of seconds, the sea and air are completely calm. JONAH bobs up and down softly in his little ducky ring. He looks around. The PIRATES, a little surprised that their plan actually worked,
look over the side of the ship at JONAH.
PA GRAPE
That was easy.
Exterior -
day. Underwater
We cut to a below
the water looking up at JONAH shot. We hear the PIRATE'S voices through the
water as OMINOUS "JAWS-LIKE" STRINGS sound.
MR. LUNT
Well.. Should we
pull him back in?
BAAAA DUMMM
PA GRAPE
I don't see why
not.
BAAAA DUMMM
EXTERIOR -
DAY. PIRATE SHIP AT SEA
PIRATES looking at
JONAH. LARRY acquires a lifesaver ring and tosses it out to JONAH. He misses by
a mile.
JONAH is not sure
what to make of the situation. He thinks for a moment and then opens his mouth
to speak. Before he can say anything,
something brushes up against him causing him to turn a few degrees. STRINGS back in. BAAAA DUMM. JONAH looks
nervous. The PIRATES look nervous. STRINGS back in full. LARRY pulls the ring
back in quickly and throws it out again. Not even close. JONAH looks over at
the distant ring and gets pushed a few feet through the water as the music
intensifies. JONAH is getting very scared.
JONAH
Something touched
me!... There's something in the water!...
PA GRAPE and MR
LUNT yell frantically as LARRY pulls the ring back in once again.
PA GRAPE
Hurry up! Hurry!
MR. LUNT
I'm hurrying!
PA GRAPE
Hang on, Jonah!
(to Lunt)
Aim this time!
LuNT
I was aiming!
Pa GRAPE
I can never tell
where you're looking...
LuNT
You should talk!
JoNAH
Hurry!
Lunt throws the
ring... It misses again.
JoNAH (cont'd)
Fellows... please!
Pa GRAPE
Pull it back in.
Hurry!
LuNT
Okay, okay! I got
it!
Pa GRAPE
Let me do that!
LuNT
No, no! I'll throw
it!
JoNAH
Fellows... Please!
Pa GRAPE
Com'on! Give it
here!
LuNT
I said I got
it!
LarrY
Excuse me,
gentlemen! Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
LARRY tosses the
ring. This time it's headed right for JONAH! Slow motion. Very dramatic. Very
Bay Watch. The ring lands perfectly around JONAH - just like the ring toss at
the carnival! LARRY smiles - proud of his achievement. MUSIC relaxes slightly.
LARRY begins to pull JONAH in. Just as JONAH begins to move toward the boat -
looking a little more hopeful, we see a GIANT WHALE come to the surface behind
JONAH and swallow him whole. The PIRATE'S expressions turn from relief to
shock. LARRY reacts:
LARRY (cont'd)
Oops.
One of the Pirates
notice that the life-ring rope is sailing out very rapidly, as the whale swims
away with the life-ring in it's mouth.
They are attached to the whale.
PA GRAPE
Huh? (Gasp)
The rope reaches
its full length, pulls taut, and then the metal cleat fastening it to the mast
breaks loose, sailing toward the front of the ship. They are no longer attached to the whale!
pirateS
(all relieved)
[sigh]
Back to the cleat,
which sails towards the bow. It fails
to clear the rail, however, and instead wedges firmly against the front rail. Back to the Pirates, whose faces fall as
they realize they are one again attached to the whale.
pirates (cont'd)
Hm?
Before they can
speak, the boat jerks into motion. All
three Pirates are knocked backwards off their feet, rolling head over heals all
the way across the deck to the wall of the poop deck.
PIRATES (cont'd)
Aaaaaaahhh!!!
The SHIP races
through the water. PA GRAPE gets up and frantically looks around for a solution
to the problem.
PA GRAPE
Man the cannon!
Mr LUNT
Aye, aye cap'n!
Larry and Pa run up
to the cannon at the bow. Mr. Lunt
looks on concerned.
MR. LUNT
(standing)
We don't got no
ammo!
LARRY looks around
and spots the pile of leisure gear.
LARRY
Oh yes we do!
The ship races
through the water.
Exterior -
day. Cannon of pirate ship.
Our brave buccaneer
LARRY stuffs the cannon with various leisure items and fire them off. A TENNIS
RACKET,
PA GRAPE
Fire one!
MR LUNT pulls a
string on the cannon. The TENNIS RACKET
flies out, spins wildly out of control and splashes into the sea nowhere near
the whale. LARRY then stuffs in two croquet mallets.
PA GRAPE (cont'd)
Fire Two!
MR LUNT pulls the
string on the cannon. Same result. LARRY then spots the ammo jackpot - the Art
Bigotti bowling ball bag. He removes the ball and places in the cannon. Just
before the ball sinks into the cannon, the worm pops his head out of the
thumb-hole and says pathetically...
kHALIL
Hello?!?
The BALL drops in.
PA GRAPE
Fire three!
MR LUNT pulls the
string. The Ball comes roaring out of the cannon. We follow it's flight as the worm pops his head out of the thumb
hole again and screams in terror.
kHALIL
AAAAAAAAIIIIIII'm
coming traveling buddy!
From the WORM'S
POV, the camera flies to where the WHALE had been - but now it is nowhere in
sight. Presumably it has gone deep below the surface. We cut back to the WORM,
who looks confused. He calls out and whistles as if looking for a lost dog;
kHALIL (cONT'D)
Traveling buddy?..
(whistle) Where are you?
Suddenly, the WHALE
leaps out of the water catching the bowling ball in his mouth like a dog
catching a treat. Hanging in the air (ala Free Willy), he holds it in it his
mouth and we hear a loud gulping noise.
With that, the WHALE crashes back into the sea, releasing the life
preserver as he disappears.
We see the life
preserver pop out of the water. As it does, the PIRATE SHIP slows - they are no
longer attached to the WHALE.
100 ft off the bow
of the ship, The PIRATES stand and look out in relief toward sea as the ship
comes to a stop. Pause as they reflect.
Pa and Mr. Lunt remove their hats in respect.
PA GRAPE
Now that boy really
knows how to go fish.
The RUBBER DUCKY
floatation ring pops out of the water in the foreground. Larry face lights up. He turns to the others, who do not share his
joy. Self-consciously, he tries to
match their somber looks.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
int. - whale.
The scene is quite
dark, with JONAH forlornly sitting on a barrel
or some other indigestible object inside the whale. After a moment, the bowling ball rolls up next to him.
joNAH
(dryly)
Oh, look... a
bowling ball. If I could only find some
pins...
The worm pops up
out of the bowling ball like a girl jumping out of a cake.
kHALIL
You found better
than that, travelling buddy! It's me!!
jONAH
(shudders as if he suddenly feels ill)
Oh, my...
kHALIL
So forget about
Tarshish! All we need to do is get this
whale to swim to Nineveh! You give the
message - I sell the plush toys - we'll be right back on track!
jONAH
(interrupting)
Carlyle, please
don't speak to me. I'm having a rather
bad day.
Jonah stands and
walks away from worm, depressed and annoyed.
kHALIL
Well you don't need
to be so down about it - Mr. Grumpy-pants!
Jonah whirls back
toward worm, irate.
jonah
Look around
you! We're inside a whale! We're going to be digested!! Do you know what that means?!?
kHALIL
Of course I do!
Digestion runs very deep in my family.
I'm just trying to have a positive outlook, you know!
(pause)
You know the
difference between you and me is that you see the whale as half empty, but I
see the whale as half full!
Jonah is dumbfound.
joNAH
I don't know what
that means.
kHALIL
(thinks for a moment)
Neither do I.
Worm looses energy
- looks around. Jonah turns away and
sits down forlornly.
joNAH
Oh, I might as well
face it. God gave me a job to do and I
disobeyed him. I ran the other
way! I've done something terrible and
now I'm getting what I deserve. [sigh.]
I'm going to die here in this whale.
The worm looks back
at Jonah sympathetically - opens his mouth to speak, but realizes he has no way
to cheer up his travelling buddy.
VOICES are heard from elsewhere in the whale.
singER 1 (os)
Have you ever seen
anything so pathetic?
singer 2 (os)
Mmm mmm. This boy needs some help!
jonAH
(startles)
What? Who's there?
singer 3
Take it easy,
Jonah! We're on your side!
jonAH
How did you know my
name? How did you get in here?!?
kHALIL
(confused)
Were you in
the bowling ball, too?
sinGER 1
Oh, no. That's not how we get around. No, we came straight from the big man
himself!
jONAH
You mean... ?
Jonah gestures up,
knowingly.
singer 2
Mmm Hmm! And just like you, we deliver his messages!
jONAH
(brightens)
So you're prophets,
too?
singer 1
Not exactly. Ya see, we work on a slightly higher
level.
jONAH
(confused)
You do?
Angels nod.
singer 3
(dramatically - leaning in)
And Jonah - we've
got a message for you!
Jonah looks around
nervously. Music starts.
sinGER 1
You're feelin'
pretty blue - you didn't do what God requested...
singer 2
Yeah, I'd be mopin'
too, if I was gonna be digested!
singer 3
This ain't a pretty
picture - no, it ain't a pretty sight.
singer 2
You ran from God
this morning and you're...
AlL
...whale chow
tonight!
(But) Hold up!
Hang on!
singer 1
Not so fast!
Your life ain't
over yet!
singer 3
We're here to tell
you all about...
SINGER 2
...the forgiveness
that...
All
...you can get!
Lights reveal full gospel choir in the
background. Choir 'oohs' over next
stanza, then claps over first chorus before joining in big on second chorus.
singer 1
(You see,) Our
God's a god of mercy,
SINGER 2
...and our God's a
god of love.
all
And right now, he
gonna lend a helping hand from up above!
Tempo picks up -
band kicks in - clappin' and swayin' commence!
all singers
Praise the
Lord! He's the God of second chances!
You'll be
floored! How his love, your life
enhances!
(You can) be
restored - from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is the God
of second chances!
singer 3
Ain't it great to
know a God who wants to give a second chance.
kHALIL
Why, that's enough
to get a smile from Mr. Grumpy-pants!
singer 1
So if you say
you're sorry for all the stuff you do,
singer 2
We know that he'll
be ready with a second chance for you!
everyone
Praise the
Lord! He's the God of second chances!
You'll be
floored! How his love, your life
enhances!
(You can) be
restored - from the darkest circumstances!
Our God is the God
of second chances!
Our God is a god...
all singers
If you - believe
God's love - is
true
Then you - should
know
What you - should
do!
(Repeat several times, building)
If you - believe
God's love - is
true
Then you - should
know
What you - should
do!
(to chorus2)
Second
chances!
Second
chances!
Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored
when His love your life enhances.
You can be restored
from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is the God
of second chances!
Chorus repeats.
cuT TO:
ext. -
evening. surface of sea.
Scooter and George
are fishing with poles from a small fishing boat. We can faintly hear the music from the whale, filtering up
through the water. Scooter notices.
Scooter looks puzzled,
then leans over the edge of the boat and stares down into the water.
cut TO:
ext. night. underwater.
As music continues,
we see the whale swimming slowly away from the camera, every-so-slightly
"dancing" to the music within him.
As whale disappears into the darkness, we transition back to
restaurant. Song ends big over
transition.
wipe TO:
int - night. seaFOOD RESTAURANT
All veggies are now
present in booth, and listening with rapt attention.
pa GRAPE
So from inside the
whale, Jonah prayed and asked God to forgive him for not obeying. He told God that if he got another chance,
he would go to Nineveh, even though he didn't like those people very
much.
Bob
(now very interested)
So did he get
another chance?
PA GRAPE
(sly smile - amused that Bob is so interested)
Shouldn't you be
lookin' our for yer tow truck?
BOB
(hurried)
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. That can wait. Did Jonah get another chance?
pa GRAPE
Well, God saw that
Jonah needed help, and he wanted to help him.
junior
That's compassion!
bob
But did he give him
a second chance even though he didn't deserve it? You know... mercy?
pa GRAPE
After three days,
Jonah noticed something strange happening...
disSOLVE TO:
int - whale.
Jonah and worm are
sitting around inside whale. Suddenly
the 'floor' of the whale starts undulating - and we here loud rumbling
sounds. Jonah and worm are terrified as
the 'undulation' becomes increasingly violent!
-or-
This shot could be
underwater exterior of whale - showing whale reacting to his 'upset'
stomach. No interior needed.
cut TO:
ext day - surface
of the sea
The sea is calm,
but we can faintly hear the 'rumbling' sound.
Suddenly there is a much louder sound - somewhere between a massive burp
and a stomach rumble. Jonah is launched
from the sea like a ballistic missile from a submarine - with the worm hanging
on desperately to Jonah's bag. They
land in a heap on a sandy beach. Jonah
looks pretty weird. His skin is very
pasty, his clothes are torn, and he is wrapped in seaweed - very Robinson
Crusoe-ish.
joNAH
(moan)
He moans a bit,
then rolls over and looks up - right into the face of his camel, Reginald!
joNAH (cont'd)
(still on his back)
Oh! Reginald!
Good to see you! Yes... well...
disSOLVE TO:
ext day - road to
nineveh
Lawrence of Arabia
shot... endless desert. Jonah rides Reginald across barren countryside. Clip clop, clip clop. Worm is riding in Jonah's bag, peering out
at the monotonous landscape, which grows more barren as they near Nineveh - as
if the cruelty of the Ninevites has disrupted nature.
pa nARRATOR
So God told the
whale to burp up Jonah - and Jonah got his second chance!
disSOLVE TO:
Jonah and Khalil
riding toward Nineveh.
Pa nARRATOR (cont'd)
And just like he
promised, he headed straight for Nineveh!
Jonah passes
signs... "Welcome to Nineveh - Home of the Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese
Curls!" ... Followed by "Visitors Welcome... To Leave!"
Jonah and Khalil
look pretty nervous. They enter the canyon leading to Nineveh. Jonah looks
around, uncomfortably. Then a noise ahead attracts his attention. A CRAZED MAN,
possibly from Joppa, is running right at him... His eyes wide with terror.
Crazed Man
(hysterical)
Turn back!! Turn
back!! Turn back!!!
The man runs right
by Jonah, who turns to watch, eyes wide.
CRAZED MAN (cont'd)
The slapping!
Whack! He runs
right into an outcrop on the canyon wall... Bounces back, then keeps on going.
CrAZED MAN (cont'd)
The slapping!
Jonah and Khalil
stare after, eyes wide. We hear the crazed man's voice trail off in the distance.
CrAZED MAN (cont'd)
Turn back! Turn
back!
Jonah and Khalil
look at each other, clearly frightened, then turn ahead and nervously continue
their journey. They continue a bit, and then round a corner. Light from Nineveh
fills Jonah's face and he pulls up Reginald in awe of the sight he sees. Just
ahead, the canyon opens up and Nineveh spreads out in front of him, under a
red, hazy sky. The sound of 'urban chatter' and distant fish slapping drifts
up. Swallowing hard, Jonah urges Reginald on. (Maybe we should include a shot
of Reginald looking back at Jonah reluctantly.)
Jonah approaches
the gate of the great city, and two guards step out in from of him, blocking
his path. They are pea Ninevite guards, with Cockney accents. (rapid-fire
exchange as guards interrupt Jonah.)
JoNAH
(to himself)
Go in, give the
message, get out...
Go in, give the
message, get out...
Guard 1
Who goes 'ere?
JoNAH
Ah, yes... My name
is Jonah... And I'm a prophet... from -
Guard 2
You're not from
'ere, are you?
JoNAH
Um... No, you see,
I'm from -
GUARD 1
That would make you
a stranger, wouldn't it?
JoNAH
Well, um, yes. I
suppose so... But I -
GUARD 2
We don't like
strangers.
JoNAH
No... yes, I've
heard that... But you see I have a -
GUARD 1
So why're you
'ere?!?
JoNAH
Well - I have a
message.
GUARD 1
A message? For who?
Jonah wasn't
expecting this question.
JoNAH
(thinking)
Well... For
everyone! For the whole city!
The guards find
this ludicrous.
GUARD 1
You've got a
message for the 'ole city?!?
GUARD 2
... the 'ole city?!?
GuarD 1
Oh, that's rich!!!
Guards start to
laugh.
GUARD 2
I'll alert the
king! "You're honor! A Bleached asparagus has a message for us all!"
GUARD 1
Most important!
They laugh
themselves silly. Khalil pears around Jonah's shoulder.
KHALIL
I do not think this
is going very well.
JoNAH
Oh, let's just go
home! I did what you said, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Jonah turns
Reginald to leave during this line. Just as he starts to trot away, someone
calls his name.
Pa GRAPE (o.S.)
Jonah?!?
Jonah spins around
to see the Pirates standing in the entrance to the city, apparently on their
way out. They look rather silly, as each wears what appears to be a large foam
cheese curl on their head. (similar to Wisconsin's "cheddar heads.")
Jonah
(confused)
What?
The Pirates step
out of the gate, with mouths agape. Jonah recognizes them, and slides off
Reginald.
KhALIL
(excited)
It is our friends
from the ship!
JoNAH
(recognizing them)
What on earth... ?
What are you doing here?
LarrY
What are you
doing here?
LuNT
Ya! You were... you
were...
Pa GRAPE
...fish food!
The two parties
meet off to the side of the gate. While they are talking, Jonah periodically
glances up curiously at the Pirates headgear.
KhALIL
The whale spit us
out like so much bad cous-cous, and here we are now! Delivering the message to
Nineveh!
JoNAH
But they wouldn't
let us in, so I guess we're going home.
LuNT
Hey, I bet we could
get him in...
Jonah pulls back,
not expecting this. On his shoulder, Khalil smiles broadly.
JoNAH
Huh?
Cut TO:
Ext. Nineveh gate -
momenTS LATER
CU on Guard 1, who
snaps to attention as travelers approach.
Cut to his POV -
the three pirates stand smiling in front of him, with Jonah behind them and
Khalil peering from is shoulder. They look like they're posing for a family
picture. (Though Jonah doesn't look like he wants to be part of the family.)
Guard 1 softens as
he recognizes the celebrities
GuaRD 1
Hey, look! It's the
cheese curls blokes!
The pirates smile.
GUARD 1 (cont'd)
(sweetly)
Comin' back for a
visit, are ya?
(notices Jonah - hardens)
Ahem - is this
fella with you?
Pa GRAPE
Oh, yes! He's with
us!
GUARD 1
(to Jonah)
You're with them,
eh?
JoNAH
(trying to smile)
Yes, indeed! Why, I
sailed halfway across the world with these... fine... gentlemen.
Has to force out
those last few words... His smile fading like he's feeling suddenly ill.
GuARD 1
(eyeing Jonah suspiciously)
Alright. You can
come in.
(pause as they pass)
Enjoy your stay in
Nineveh.
The group passes
through the gate. Jonah and Khalil glance back nervously, to see Guard 1
continue to make strange, comically menacing, "eye on you" faces.
JoNAH
What was that all
about? How did you do that?
Pa snaps to,
excited to tell his story.
Pa GRAPE
Remember that money
you gave us?
(suddenly concerned)
By the way, you
aren't gonna want that refund, are ya?
Jonah
(considers)
Ah...
Pa GRAPE
(relieved)
Good. Cuz we spent
it!!! Every last penny! On cheese curls!
Jonah stares.
JoNAH
Cheese curls?
LuNT
Yup! 1458 bags of
"Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!"
LarrY
And you'll never
guess what we found in bag 497...
Jonah doesn't have
a clue.
Pa GRAPE
(leaning in - hushed tone)
The golden ticket!
Jonah doesn't get
it.
Pa GRAPE (cont'd)
We won the
"Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!"
JoNAH
And the prize
was... ?
Jonah glances back
and forth at their hats. Pa looks up.
Pa GRAPE
(nods)
Mmm hmm. But in
addition to our enviably fashionable headgear, we also got a tour of Mister
Twisty's factory - right here in Nineveh!
The group enters
the crowded market area. Ninevites mill around... Assorted fish slapping in the
background. Jonah and Khalil aren't wild about what they see.
Pa GRAPE (cont'd)
Which, despite its
unseemly location, was a splendid experience!
LarRY
And, believe it or
not, in this town we are famous!
LuNT
(noticing something)
Hey, look! Here
comes a city official to greet us!!
Everyone looks to
see a Ninevite and several guards walking aggressively toward them. They do not
look happy.
Pa GRAPE
(aloof)
Hello! We were in
the neighborhood, so we thought we'd -
City Official
(referring to Pirates)
These are the men!
Arrest them at once!!
Everyone's in
shock.
Pa GRAPE
But...
JoNAH
Excuse me. What
have they done?
CITY OFFICIAL
Thievery! High
theft against the Royal City of Nineveh!
LuNT
That's ridiculous!!
CiTY OFFICIAL
Oh, is it?!?
He grabs Larry and
spins him around. On his back is a small pack. The City Official pulls out a
knife, and everyone gasps. He slits the bottom of Larry's pack, and 8-10
mini-sized bags of Mister Twisty's Cheese Curls fall to the floor.
LarrY
(panicked)
No! Wait! I thought
they were free samples!!
CiTY OFFICIAL
Take them away!!
JoNAH
You can't do that!
The city official
spins to Jonah.
CiTY OFFICIAL
I'm sorry... are
you with these men?
Jonah isn't sure
how to answer.
JoNAH
Well, um... yes, I
suppose...
Jonah glances to
the side to see a guard approaching him swiftly.
Jonah (cont'd)
Hello... What are
you doing?
Jonah's POV - the
guard rears back, his fish flashes through the air toward Jonah. SFX - SMACK!
And simultaneous BLACKOUT.
Cut to:
Ext. Nineveh market
- latER
Tight on Jonah's
head - covered by a black bag. The bag is pulled off and Jonah blinks around in
the sunlight.
Cut to Jonah's POV
- a good sized crowd of Ninevites stands in a circle around him, staring
intently at him.
JoNAH
(encouraged)
Oh! Wonderful! It
must be time for my speech!
Cut to bag coming
off Pa Grape's head. He tries to move, but is tied tight.
Pa GRAPE
Hey! I can't move!
Cut to bag off
Lunt's head. He pulls against ropes!
LuNT
I can't move,
either!!
Cut to Larry, who's
bag is off and who also can't move.
Cut to Jonah, who
looks down confused and realizes that he can't move either. He looks over to Pa
in his confusion and sees that...
(LS Pa) Pa can't
move because he's tied back-to-back with Lunt to the front of, beneath a huge,
ominously hanging metal fish held up with a rope. This doesn't look good.
Cut to Jonah's face
- his eyes widen and his mouth falls.
JoNAH
[Gasp!]
Cut back to LS pa
on bulls-eye. Pa looks up and notices Jonah looking at him with panic on his
face.
Pa GRAPE
What? Have I got
somethin' on my face?
Cut to Pa's face -
he sees Jonah's situation.
Cut to LS Jonah
(Pa's POV) - also, in the same situation.
Cut to Pa's face
who echoes Jonah's reaction.
pa GRAPE (cont'd)
[Gasp!]
Cut to Lund, who
repeats this sequence by looking at Larry's situation.
luNT
[Gasp!]
Cut to Larry, who
repeats by looking at Lunt's situation.
larry
[Gasp!]
Jonah
This doesn't look
good...
Cut to Larry, who
feels responsible.
LarrY
(on the verge of tears)
I'm sorry guys! I
thought they were free samples. They were right out there in the open... in a
big bowl. Very misleading!
Pa GRAPE
Oh, don't go
blamin' yourself!
Lund is cranky with
Pa.
LuNT
No... blame HIM!
(gestures over shoulder to Pa)
"Let's put it
all in cheese curls," he says. "No," I say, "We need a
BALANCED portfolio!" A little stock, a little bonds... A little cash or
cash equivalents... And THEN maybe some snacks. But no. "Put it all in
cheese curls!" he says.
(to Pa)
Man, you gotta plan
for the future!
Pa GRAPE
What? It got us
here, didn't it?!?
Everyone stares at
Pa, confused. Pa realizes what they are thinking.
Pa GRAPE (cont'd)
(gestures around)
Not
"here" literally... But...
(looks off mistily)
We were somebody!
We were celebrities!
LunT
(outraged)
We are going to
die!
Lunt is interrupted
by the City Official
CiTY OFFICIAL
People of Nineveh!
These four men...
(glances toward Khalil)
... and that
small... whatever-it-is...
KhALIL
(indignant)
I am a
caterpillar!!
(to self)
Well, that is only
half true...
City OFFICIAL
Have been found
guilty of high thievery against the Royal City of Nineveh!
The crowd hisses.
City OFFICIAL (cont'd)
For their
punishment... "The Slap of No Return!"
The crowd looks
quizzically at the fish poles, no sure what to make of them. The pirates look
up at them, not sure whether to be frightened or not. The City Official notices
the lack of respect for his latest invention.
Larry
What's so funny?
CiTY OFFICIAL
Observe!
The Pirates and Jonah
look on as the City Official places a large pumpkin on a small wooden platform
in from of the fifth fish pole. There is a hush as he walks over to the rope,
anchored to a stake in the ground, raises a curved sword high in the air, and
brings it down, severing the rope
The fish falls,
splattering the pumpkin to bits. Pumpkin hits Jonah's face. After a beat, the
crowd starts cheering and the Pirates and Jonah start crying like little
babies.
All
[No! Waaaaaaaaah!
Etc.]
Cut to Khalil, who
is tied with string to the backside of Jonah. He can't see anything.
KhALIL
(confused)
What is happening
that is making you all cry like little babies?!?
Jonah yells over
the commotion
JoNAH
Why on earth do you
take snack food so SERIOUSLY?!?
The city official
turns to answer, but it interrupted by a trumpet fanfare. He spins back to the
crowd.
CiTY OFFICIAL
People of Nineveh!
I give you... King Twistomer!!
More trumpet
fanfare... Camera pans up the building facing the "condemned" to a
balcony several stories overhead. 2 attendants stand on either end of the
balcony. From the shadows between them emerges King Twistomer (the giant gourd
from "Hi Silk Hat" - with Goliath's voice) a very large,
grumpy-looking gourd, with more than a passing resemblance to the more chipper,
slimmer pitchman Jonah has seen on several snack bags and billboards. The
Pirates' jaws drop.
Pa GRAPE
It's "Mister
Twisty"
JoNAH
Well, that explains
it!
Lunt and Larry
squint up at the gourd.
LarRY
He looks happier on
the bag.
CiTY OFFICIAL
(to King)
Your royal
gourdliness... These are the perpetrators of the heinous act against your curls
of cheese!
King Twistomer
scowls.
CiTY OFFICIAL (cont'd)
For their
punishment... "The Slap of No Return!"
A rise from the
crowd. King Twistomer smiles.
King twistomer
Proceed.
The city official
spins with his sword. Jonah's eyes widen.
JoNAH
Wait!
(to King)
Won't you at least
give the guilty parties the chance to speak in their own defense?!?
The City Official
looks up to the king, who ponders.
KinG TWISTOMER
You may speak.
The sword is
lowered. Jonah relaxes a bit.
JoNAH
Well... As I
understand it, the snacks in question were right out in the open... In a large
bowl!!
(pleading to crowd)
I think we'll all
agree this was somewhat misleading...
(looks for support)
Don't you think?
The city official
glances to the king. The king ponders... softening... nodding... then looks
down to the city official.
KinG TWISTOMER
Slap them.
Again the sword
flashes high in the air. Jonah panics! The Pirates start whimpering loudly.
Jonah no desperately appeals directly to the City Official.
JoNAH
No! You don't
understand! I'm not REALLY with them... I mean... How could I be? While they
were taking the tour, I was in the belly of a whale!!
The City Official
freezes - the sword jerking in his hand. The crowd around them hushes down
some. The Official looks up to Jonah quizzically.
CiTY OFFICIAL
What... did you...
say?
JoNAH
(not really noticing the reaction)
I said while they
were on the tour... I was in the belly of a whale!!
The crowd GASPS.
The Official steps back - clearly shaken.
CiTY OFFICIAL
(shocked)
But... You are not
dead!
JoNAH
No! That's just it!
I was in the whale for 3 days and nights! Then I prayed to my God, and the
great monster spit me up onto the shore... So that I could bring you all a
message.
The official is
shaken... The crowd whispers among themselves. The king's eyes widen - then
narrow. He approaches the edge of the balcony.
King TWISTOMER
Hmm... Asparagus...
Here in Nineveh we bow to the Great Fish... We celebrate the Great Fish in our
art...
Jonah looks around
at the whale images on buildings and the large metal fish hanging over his
head.
JoNAH
Yes, I noticed...
King TWISTOMER
If what you are
saying is true...
The King ponders
for a moment. The Official steps up and responds...
CiTY OFFICIAL
Yes... How do we
know if he is telling the truth, sire?
King TWISTOMER
(to Official)
Smell him.
CiTY OFFICIAL
(confused)
Y-your highness?
King TWISTOMER
Smell him.
The Official
awkwardly approaches Jonah, and takes a big whiff. Jonah smells TERRIBLE. He
stagers back, reeling... Barely able to stay on his feet.
JoNAH
(apologetic)
I'm... terribly
sorry... I've been meaning to shower...
The King's eyes
widen.
King TWISTOMER
He has been in the
Great Fish. We must hear the message.
This is so
unexpected that Jonah isn't sure what to do next.
JoNAH
What? Oh...the
message... Yes...
Jonah thinks - but
it has been so long he has a hard time remembering what he was supposed to say.
As he stammers, Khalil shakes his head in disbelief.
JoNAH (cont'd)
...the message...
What was the message?
KhALIL
Com'on!
JoNAH
(to King)
It's been so
long... I...
(to himself)
Oh! Yes Ahem...
(collects himself)
Stop it!!
The crowd gasps and
recoils. The King's eyes widen.
JoNAH
Stop cheating! Stop
lying! And especially, stop slapping people with fishes!! Or this entire city
will be destroyed!!
Jonah looks around
dramatically. The crowd shudders... The King looks concerned. Back to Jonah who
is smiling contentedly.
JoNAH (cont'd)
A message from the
Lord!
Pa nARRATOR
Well, the King was
very upset! He had no idea they weren't suppose to do that stuff! No one had
ever told him that before!
A decree is handed
to the city official.
CiTY OFFICIAL
A decree from the
King! Let everyone call urgently to God. Let them give up their evil ways and
their violence. Perhaps the God that brought this man out of the Great Fish,
will give us... a second chance!
Score swells...
Crowd erupts... Everyone smiles. Jonah looks around, tugging against his ropes.
King TWISTOMER
And let the asparagus
and his friends go free!
They are all untied
and congratulated by the crowd. Happy, happy.
EXTERIOR - DAY.
NINEVEH
Wide shot of
NINEVEH. The clouds have completely
moved away and it's a perfectly sunny day. SCORE is triumphant. Birds sing.
Flower bouquets fly like graduation caps.
pa nARRATOR
So the king and the
people of Nineveh said they were sorry, stopped the fish-slapping and started
being nice to people...
cut to:
Interior night - seafood restaurant
laura
Wow! That's great!
junior
Yeah! Everyone musta been really happy, right?
pa NARRATOR
Well, almost
everyone.
dissOLVE TO:
ext. day - NINEVEH
Jonah and worm are
being warmly thanked by Ninevites. Worm
is eating it up, but Jonah is just nodding along. Several Ninevite kids run happily away from Jonah and the worm,
clutching Jonah plush toys to their chests.
JoNAH
(ad lib)
Yes, thank you!
Farewell! Goodbye, thank you!
KhALIL
(ad lib)
Goodbye all you
lovely people!
pa NARRATOR
You see, Jonah
figured God wouldn't really forgive the Ninevites. I mean, they had done some
terrible stuff. No! He figured God had something else in mind.
JoNAH
Sigh...
Jonah sits in the
sand, silently, staring at Nineveh. The
worm is a bit confused.
KHALIL
What are we doing?
jonah
Oh, it's time to
watch the fun!
KHALIL
Aaaand what fun
would that be?
jonah
Well, I did what I
was supposed to do... I warned them that they were going to get in big
trouble! So now that they've had their
warning, it's time to watch God wipe them off the face of the Earth! Aha!
Worm looks at Jonah
quizzically. Jonah doesn't notice.
jONAH (cont'd)
I picked a safe
distance so we won't get singed.
Jonah sits back to
watch the destruction. The worm looks
at Jonah, then looks at Nineveh.
Time goes by. The hot sun beats down. Nothing happens. Jonah is sweating, but still smiling.
joNAH (cont'd)
This is going to be
great! The bad guys! Finally getting what they deserve!
More time goes by. The sun is intense. Jonah is wilting.
pa narrator
So Jonah waited for
God to destroy Nineveh. Even now, God
was compassionate towards Jonah and caused a plant to grow that shaded him from
the hot sun.
Jonah looks up and
sees large weed hanging overhead
like an umbrella.
joNAH
Hmm? Oh! Yes! Very nice!
Thank you! Very nice!
He settles in to
watch some more. The worm looks back
and forth between Jonah and Nineveh.
Then he notices the weed and looks -
suddenly - hungry.
pa narrator
Jonah kept waiting.
But it didn't seem like anything was
happening! He wondered if maybe God was
forgetting something.
Jonah stands and
looks up toward heaven, then back to Nineveh.
jonah
Alright! I did my job! So... fire!
Brimstone! Whatever! You pick!
Right over there!
(pause)
I'll just... sit
here under my weed... and wait.
Jonah sits back
down and forces a smile, leaning up against the weed. Without warning, the weed and Jonah crash to the ground. Jonah sits up quickly and looks around.
jONAH (cont'd)
What? - What
happened?
Jonah spies worm,
happily munching a mouthful of weed, and sees the partially chewed weed stump.
jONAH (cont'd)
What? How could you?!?
KHALIL
(surprised)
Hmm? All your whining made me hungry! It was just a weed...
jONAH
(suddenly despondent)
Just a weed?!? It - it was my shade! It was my friend!
(melodramatic)
Oh, dear Lord, how
could you let this happen?!?
Jonah mourns for
the weed like a fallen comrade. The
worm can take it no more.
KHALIL
Would you look at
yourself?!?
Jonah looks up -
startled by the worm's intensity.
KHALIL (cont'd)
You care more about
that weed than about all the people in Nineveh!!
jONAH
Well... I...
KHALIL
Why are you here
now? Instead of back in the belly of
that whale?
Jonah opens his
mouth, but doesn't have an answer.
KHALIL (cONT'D)
Because God is
compassionate! He wanted to help
you! And because he is merciful! He gave you a second chance!
jONAH
(chipper)
Oh, yes - and I'm very
grateful-
KHALIL
Has it ever
occurred to you that maybe God loves everybody! Not just you! That maybe he wants to give everyone
a second chance!
jONAH
Uh - well...
KHALIL
He saw that those
people needed help - that they didn't know right from wrong - and he wanted to
help them! And that is why he sent you!
jONAH
Ah-
KHALIL
And when you told
them what they were doing wrong they said they were sorry - they put down their
mackerels and their halibuts - and they asked God for a second chance. And by golly, he gave them one!!
(Jonah ponders)
Don't you see? God wants to give everyone a
second chance! And so should we!
Jonah is initially
moved by this truth, but then becomes theatrically pouty - like the spoiled
rich kid who isn't getting his way.
jONah
Well, if they
get a second chance - those fish-slappers - well, then... it would be better if
I were dead!
(flops onto the ground)
Oh, I wish I were
back in that whale!
Jonah is a basket
case. The worm looks at him in
disbelief.
KHALIL
You are pathetic.
(pause)
You know, patience
runs very deep in my family... but not that deep. I'm out of here!
Khalil starts to
walk off.
jONah
What? What are you doing?
KHALIL
(turning back)
I wanted to be big
and important... just like you! But the
world doesn't need more people who are "big and important," the world
needs more people who are nice.
And compassionate. And merciful.
(pause)
That's what I want
to be.
(pause)
You can find
yourself a new traveling buddy.
Goodbye.
jONah
You can't just
leave!
KHALIL
Can and am!
jONah
But... who will I
talk to? You can't just leave me here
all alone?
(pause)
Hello?
Reginald? Carlisle?
Khowleel? Carleel? Howie? (etc... ad lib)
Jonah tries to call
the worm's name - but can't get the pronunciation right. He tries several times with comical results
as the camera cranes higher above him, revealing the worm walking further and
further away and Jonah looking smaller and more alone.
cut TO:
int. night -
seafood restaurant
Abrupt cut to shot
of Pirates peering over booth.
pa grape
(after a beat)
The end!
Immediately, the
Pirates slide the Plexiglas divider shut between the two booths. It shuts with a loud whack, startling the
listeners in the next booth who continue staring in disbelief.
bob
(confused)
Wait a minute...
its's over?
pa grape (os)
Yup!
Bob
That's how it
ends?!?
Pa GRAPE
Yup!
junior
But what did Jonah
learn?
Lunt opens screen
again.
lunT
(looking at Junior)
The question, my
friends, is not "what did Jonah learn." The question is - what did you learn?
junior
(thinking)
Well, I learned
that we need to help people who need help...
(pause)
And we need to give
2nd chances. Even if they don't deserve them.
(looks up)
But what's that got
to do with us?
Pa turns and looks
directly at Bob, who startles.
pa GRAPE
Hey... tomato...
bob
Eh?
pa GRAPE
Your friend
there... the big asparagus. If I'm not
mistaken, he didn't do such a good job helping you with the map.
bob
Oh, it was a
disaster! He said he was sorry and that
he'd do better next time, but no way!
Uh uh!
(Bob realizes what he's said and looks down)
Mercy. I guess everyone deserves a second
chance.
Dad Asparagus
smiles.
pa GRAPE
Yup! Now get outa
here before my crab legs get cold!
Pirates shut window
once more. Veggies smile, then Dad
snaps out of the "feel good" moment.
dad
You know, that
still wasn't a very good way to end a story!
Others agree. From across the barrier, Pa yells out...
pa GRAPE (os)
Well, whadya
want? A big musical number?!?
Everyone looks at
each other and agrees that sound pretty good.
DAD
Well... yeah!
Pa turns to Larry.
PA GRAPE
Who do they think I
am... Twippo?
A male voice from
the lobby.
voice (o.S.)
Yes?
Several veggies
look up, as they recognize the voice.
They turn in their seats and peer over the booth to the entry-way, where
they see none other than Twippo himself!
(Archibald Asparagus, dressed in an Elvis-y sort of outfit.)
veggies
Twippo!!!
Twippo smiles - a
little apprehensively. Veggies rush him
- Bob in front.
VeGGIES (cont'd)
Yeah... (etc., ad
lib)
bOB
What are you
doing here?!?
Twippo
Well, I've got a
concert tonight, but I'm running late!
Can't find Route 59 to save my life!
So I stopped here for directions.
jr.
We're going to your
concert tonight!
(pause - looks down)
At least we were...
bob
(downcast)
And then...
porcupines!!
dAD
... and underwear!!
Annie
... and pirates!!
bOB
... and now it
looks like we aren't going to make it at all.
Twippo
Good heavens! Well, if it's a ride you need, I've got
plenty of room in my bus... you can all come with me!
Veggies eyes widen
- big smiles!
veGGIES
[That's be
great! Wow! etc.]
Laura looks down -
she can't come.
lAURA
...yeah. Everyone
but me.
Junior notices...
Thinks...camera pushes in slowly as Junior makes his big decision. Touching
score. Junior smiles and offers Laura his ticket.
JR
Laura... You can
have my ticket.
Pause on Laura. She
is surprised and touched.
LaURA
But Junior, it was
my fault.
Junior simply
smiles and lifts the ticket up to her once again. Laura looks tenderly at
Junior and smiles.
Everyone smiles -
amazed. Score swells.
Twippo is
impressed.
Twippo
Why, that was a
very compassionate thing to do!
Bob
And merciful!
TwipPO
Tell you what...
I'll give you all a ride to the concert, and I'll make sure you ALL get have
backstage passes!
Veggies erupt in
celebration. Happy, happy!
VeGGIES
(celebration!)
Hurray! (ad lib)
Twippo
Speaking of mercy,
have any of you heard the story of a man named... Jonah?
Veggies freeze, not
sure what to say, then all respond at once.
veGGIES
Yes.
Twippo is taken
aback.
Twippo
Oh. Well... uh, would you like to hear a song
about it?
pERCY
Is it like the bald
bunny song?
Twippo
Not really... it's
more of a 'big musical number.'
dAD
Perfect!
wipe to:
Twippo on stage at
Seafood Restaurant. Theatrical lights
on him. He's holding his guitar, ready
to play.
Twippo
(singing - ballad-like)
When I was a boy I
went to church back home in Arizona
And that was where
I heard the tale of a man whose name was Jonah!
Now Jonah was a
prophet, but that's not why he's remembered.
We tell the tale,
'cuz in a whale he nearly was dismembered!
Horns and drums
jump in - big band feel. Either curtain
behind Twippo or wall itself pulls back to reveal Broadway musical-ish set with
fake, 2D pirate ship rocking to beat on fake, 2D waves. Actual pirates are perched atop fake ship.
pirATES
(singing)
Jonah was a
prophet!
Twippo
Ooh, ooh!
pirates
But he really never
got it!
Twippo
Sad, but true!
PIRATES
If you've been
watching you can spot it!
Twippo
Doodle-ee-doo!
PIRATES
He did not get the
point!
Twippo
Compassion and
mercy!
From me to you and
you to me!
Exactly what God
wants to see!
And yes, that is
the point!
pirATES
(singing)
Jonah was a
prophet!
Twippo
Ooh, ooh!
pirates
But he really never
got it!
Twippo
Sad, but true!
PIRATES
If you've been
watching you can spot it!
Twippo
Doodle-ee-doo!
PIRATES
He did not get the
point!
Twippo, now playing
the role of Jonah, jumps up on the pirate ship cutout.
Twippo
Now Jonah set sail
On a pirate ship in
a dreadful gale
Wind blows, fake
lighting. Pirates takeover narrative as
Twippo either falls or flies on a line into the mouth of a fake whale cutout
that has been wheeled on stage.
piRATES
Got eaten up by a
giant whale
But managed not to
be dead.
Twippo sticks his
head out of the top of the whale, (blowhole region) to prove he's still
alive. Smiles big.
pirATES (cont'd)
You'd think he
would learn a lot
From being saved
from a awful spot
But the second
chance that he had got
He didn't want to
be spread!
Whale cutout leaves
- maybe pull in Nineveh cutout, or string of Ninevites for Twippo to scowl
at. Musical break - little dance time -
then set changes to Jonah on hill, under cutout weed. Pirates get melodramatically sorrowful.
piRATES (cont'd)
(weepy)
So poor old Jonah -
Now he's all
alone-a!
Pirates raise
energy as giant megaphone cutout lowers from above, letting them yell at Jonah
on hill.
PIRATES (cont'd)
Gotta use a
megaphone-a!
To get it through
to his head!
(shouted through megaphone)
Hey!!!
Hill and weed
"blow away" from force of shouted 'hey.' Twippo stands and comes forward on stage, no longer playing
Jonah.
pirATES (cont'd)
(singing)
Jonah was a
prophet!
Twippo
Ooh, ooh!
pirates
But he really never
got it!
Twippo
Sad, but true!
PIRATES
If you've been
watching you can spot it!
Twippo
Doodle-ee-doo!
PIRATES
He did not get the
point!
Musical break -
seque ways into more intimate spoken part.
Twippo
(spoken)
Now, true, in your
life you probably don't ride on a camel
And you probably
won't wake up inside a large, aquatic mammal.
But all the same,
like Jonah, there is something you can do -
Everyone deserves to get a second chance from you!
Big horn sting,
then all sing together...
all
Compassion and
mercy!
From me to you and
you to me!
Exactly what God
wants to see!
And yes, that is
the point!
Start
"bringing it down." Maybe
Twippo starts pulling pirate ship across stage, faking an 'exit.'
pirATES
(softer)
Jonah was a
prophet!
Twippo
(softer)
Ooh, ooh!
pirates
But he really never
got it!
Twippo
Sad, but true!
pirATES
(even softer)
Jonah was a
prophet!
Twippo
Ooh, ooh!
pirates
But he really never
got it!
Twippo
Sad, but true!
Stop exit at
center-stage - turn and strike a pose.
pirATES
(loud)
Jonah was a
prophet!
Big chord - end of
song. Crowd goes wild. Voice heard from the foyer...
KhaliL
I beg your pardon.
I hate to break up the party, but who needed a tow?
Everyone looks at
Khalil.
TwiPPO
Ah... Have we met?
Khalil smiles at
camera - cut to black
THE END
